Got my sweat on

Exactly 1 month after my last workout, I got back to the gym.  At my blood draw on Wednesday, I got permission to resume exercise (and sex for that matter).  The nurse would like me to start back slow and easy, and "low impact" (talking about exercise here, not sex :p ).  I told her how much I enjoy running and we made a deal:  I won't do any Insanity videos if I can at least go for an easy jog.  My ovaries are likely still large because of the good response last cycle, so torsion is a risk.  I just need to stop if I feel any pain or discomfort.

So I started on the elliptical for 35 minutes, doing some fairly easy intervals.  Then I rode the stationary bike for 15 minutes, and followed that up with an easy mile on the treadmill.  Oh man - my ass hurts.  The spots where I was getting my PIO shots were sore!  They definitely hurt less as the run went on though.  It felt great to run again, but I cried for half of it.

I have definitely hit the anger and bitter stage.  I am pissed.  I just want a baby!  Josh wants a baby and I can't give it to him.  This whole thing isn't fair.  Its stressful, worrisome, time consuming, expensive....  Infertility is a bitch I wouldn't wish on anyone.

Christmas is this weekend, and I am looking forward to a long weekend off from work (very busy lately) and time with family.  I love exchanging gifts, eating wonderful food, and sitting by the Christmas tree.  I will do my best to focus on these things for the next couple days.  I'm not really excited about hearing the story of Mary's immaculate conception, but 'tis the reason for the season so I'll get through it. 

Side note:  my beta Wednesday was <1.0, so officially negative.  I should start bleeding any day now, once my progesterone and estrogen levels drop.

Chemical Pregnancy

Its over.  My beta today was 2.6.

I'm sad.  I'm also angry, frustrated, confused, heartbroken, and I don't know what else.  We transferred a perfect blastocyst into my uterus with perfect lining.  Everything was textbook.  What went wrong?  Obviously that little blast tried to implant - I got enough of an hCG rise to detect on a digital test.  Did I not rest enough after transfer?  Did I bend or twist or lift something a little too heavy?  Was the shower too hot? Did I not get enough protein or other nutrients?    Geez.... I know all of this is silly, but I can't help but wonder what the heck went wrong.  A little Dr. Google informed us that implantation failure is actually the least understood issue with the IVF process.  We will probably never get an answer.  Success rates aren't 100%, and even though we couldn't have asked for a better cycle, sometimes these things just happen.

I can't describe what it feels like to lose something you never really had.  I wonder if it would hurt any less had I not insisted on testing at home.  Had we waited for the blood test, we might not have been as shocked by the beta numbers.  But then again.... I had 100 times more hope for this cycle than any of the others.  So yeah, it probably would have hurt just as much.  BFNs suck, and IVF BFNs suck ten times as hard.  I hate this.  I got my ugly cry on and opened a bottle of my favorite wine from 45 North.  The holidays are going to suck, but at least I can drink through them.

The silver lining in all of this is that we also got 10 snowbabies out of this cycle.  We should be able to do a frozen embryo transfer (FET) early next year.

I'm not entirely sure whats next.  We've stopped all meds.  I go in for another blood draw Wed to see if my level is back to zero.  I should start my period soon, and I think I can start BCPs and then Lupron for our FET.  Hopefully I can run again for a little bit.  We have an appointment with the RE on January 3rd to figure out what went wrong and come up with a plan.

So watch out 2012, this is going to be our year.  I just can't wait any longer.

Santa Claws

We took Lucy to see Santa Claws today (at Petsmart).

She has been a pretty good girl this year, and has been especially good these past few months since she hurt her leg.  She asked Santa for a new bone and some playtime with her friends at the dog park.  I'm pretty sure Santa can handle the bone, and we are already working on fixing up that knee and getting her back to the park.  Merry Christmas Puppy!

Inconclusive

I went in for my beta (blood pregnancy test) this morning.  I was in a meeting all afternoon, so it was kind of late by the time I could check my phone.  My nurse had left a voicemail to call her back (I already knew they wouldn't leave the results on a VM).  So I called back.  She said, "26."

My hCG level was 26.  This isn't good.  Today I am 17dpo (17 days past egg retrieval/ovulation), and 12dp5dt (12 days past 5 day transfer).  My level should have been a few hundred.  The nurse said that while this is quite a bit lower that what they would have expected, it doesn't give a definitive result.  The test was "inconclusive."

I hate that word.  Josh keeps trying to remind me that it isn't necessarily bad.  But hearing anything other than "You're pregnant!" on the phone today would have been a disappointment.

Maybe I have a "late implanter," or maybe my betas are just slow to rise.  I keep trying to think about all of those possibilities.  I go in Monday for another beta, hoping to see the number more than double.

This sucks.  This sucks so bad.  Two days ago we were completely overjoyed.  We have plans on how to tell our immediate families at Christmas.  My life is running in slow motion.  Sometimes I think Monday can't come fast enough because I need to hear that this baby is sticking around.... and then I'm afraid of what we might hear and I don't want Monday to come at all because right now I am pregnant and I don't want it to end.

I guess we are going to spend the weekend trying to distract ourselves with other Christmas activities and trying to not stress out.  Oh, and praying.  A lot.

Arms Wide Open

I got this email from Josh today and of course I got all teary eyed.  But it really does sum things up perfectly.

I can't think of a better way to explain what I'm feeling about the journey we're about to embark on than how it was put in a song by the band I loved (and was made fun of about) in college.

"With Arms Wide Open"

Creed

Well I just heard the news today
It seems my life is going to change
I close my eyes, begin to pray
Then tears of joy stream down my face

With arms wide open
Under the sunlight
Welcome to this place
I'll show you everything
With arms wide open
With arms wide open

Well I don't know if I'm ready
To be the man I have to be
I'll take a breath, I'll take her by my side
We stand in awe, we've created life

With arms wide open
Under the sunlight
Welcome to this place
I'll show you everything
With arms wide open
Now everything has changed
I'll show you love
I'll show you everything

With arms wide open
With arms wide open
I'll show you everything ...oh yeah
With arms wide open..wide open

[Guitar Break]

If I had just one wish
Only one demand
I hope he's not like me
I hope he understands
That he can take this life
And hold it by the hand
And he can greet the world
With arms wide open...

With arms wide open
Under the sunlight
Welcome to this place
I'll show you everything
With arms wide open
Now everything has changed
I'll show you love
I'll show you everything
With arms wide open
With arms wide open

I'll show you everything..oh yeah
With arms wide open....wide open 

Josh, I can't wait to see how amazing of a dad you are going to be.  I'll gladly take this journey by your side.  I love you!

The best Christmas present ever!

*I wrote this post the night we took this pregnancy test.  We would later find out this was a chemical pregnancy.  I guess I decided to keep the post anyway, since it is part of our journey and just further depicts the rollercoaster we are on.

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Knocked up.  Bun in the oven.  With child.  In the family way.  Expecting.  Preggers.  Whatever you call it,

I'M PREGNANT!!!!!

Well, according to EPT anyway :)  I convinced Josh we needed to test.  I couldn't wait any longer.  So I  pulled out a digital when I got home from work.  Josh and I stood in front of the Christmas tree while the hourglass was turning, and turning, and turning.... and finally, after what seemed like forever, that magical word appeared.  For the first time in my life, I saw the word

Pregnant

Holy sh*t.  We hugged and cried while Lucy tried to figure out what was wrong.  Then we laughed, smiled, and cried some more.  After 20 months and 13 cycles, so many blank pregnancy tests, miles and miles driven to doctors appointments, countless shots and blood draws and ultrasounds.... we did it.  We made a baby!

 BEST CHRISTMAS PRESENT. EVER.

This wait is killing me.

Ugh!  The "2 week wait" is pure torture!  I mean, I've always been a little impatient during the 2ww, but everything is amplified 1,000 times during an IVF cycle.  I go in for my beta on Friday.  Which is really only 4 more days.  Josh doesn't want to test at home before then - he "trusts" the blood test and wants to wait.  Me?  I was ready to start peeing on sticks yesterday.  I have quite the little stash of tests - early response, digital, dollar store cheapies.....  I guess I just need to practice some serious self-control until Friday.

I did go in for a quick blood draw this morning.  My progesterone has gone up from 18 last Friday to 60 today!  And my estrogen is over 1,000.  Great numbers, so we just keep on course til beta-day-Friday.

Cookie anyone?

I started my holiday baking this past weekend.  I have gone a little crazy in the past, and I am well on my way this year.

It started on Friday, when I baked a batch of sugar cutout cookies and gingerbread cutout cookies.  Then I got my parents to come up on Saturday to help :)

Trust me, even he guys helped!  This is before we put them to work.

 Puppy?  Not so much help.  But she was a great foot warmer while I was decorating.
I would have taken more pics, but out battery died. Someone left the camera on after this one.... (oops.)

We baked a few more batches of cookies on Saturday morning, even a couple for my mom, and then spent the afternoon decorating.  I relinquished some control this year and even let my mom and dad help with the royal icing ;)  But getting all those cookies decorated in one day?  Totally worth it.  Josh estimates I knocked out a few hundred cookies this weekend, and I am probably 60% done. 

 There are still a few more recipes on the list :)

I'll take some more pictures of the mass piles of sugar in a few days to make you all jealous of my neighbors and co-workers ;)

Snowbabies!

We have snowbabies!  No, I'm not talking about some pretty figure in the snow or a collectible figurine.  I am talking about perfect, beautiful frozen embryos.

source

We are still waiting for the full report (I will pick it up on Monday) regarding quality and specifics, but we found out today that we have TEN embies in the cryo tank waiting for us when needed.  Josh and I are hopeful that this is enough to complete our family, but who knows how things will work out.  Only the very best blasts are frozen, and it is even possible that they waited until day 6 to freeze them, we will find out in the report.  So while we did lose a few of the 19 fertilized eggs we had along the way, we know that the ones that made it are thriving.

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Also, I went in for blood work this morning and found out that while my estrogen level was fine, my progesterone was a tad on the low side (18.5, then like to see it >20).  So I need to double my PIO shots.  PIO sucks.  It stands for Progesterone In Oil, and I take it as an intramuscular shot in my ass each morning.  (Josh is literally injecting peanut oil laced with progesterone into my butt.)  The oil is supposed to be more effective than suppositories (and less messy), but the issue is that the oil sits on your muscle.  It hurts like a bruise, and is just generally annoying.  Massaging the area and applying heat help some.  I was finally OK with the PIO, then today my RE doubled my dose from 1cc to 2cc/day.  Oh well, I'll get over it and Josh will just have to rub my ass a little more.

Are you allowed to laugh during IVF?

Because we try to every chance we get.  Remember how I said we had to wait a while yesterday?  Josh did some bouffant cap modeling:

First, we have the beret (or the comb-over, we couldn't decide):

Next up, is the duck bill:

And of course, the ever-popular mullet:

And last but not least, the afro:

Yes, we know we are dorks.  Josh can't believe I am posting this.  What, did he think I was taking pictures just for us?  Heck no!

Today, I am carrying our baby

Pregnant until proven otherwise, or PUPO as it is known on some message boards I visit.

Today we transferred a single, perfect blastocyst into my perfectly homey uterus to snuggle in for the next nine-ish months.  This blast was graded AA - "textbook perfect" my RE called it.  Josh and I are over-the-moon thrilled!

We even got to take home a few pics:  not many people can say they have a picture of themselves at 5 days post-conception:

This is a picture (I am not sure of the magnification) of the AA-grade blast we transferred

Overall, the transfer went very well today.  I had to have a full bladder, but I managed to drink just enough for the doctor but not too much to make me uncomfortable.  I had to have some blood drawn, and then we just waited around to be called back.

Josh had to gown up this time as well, since he did get to come back and hold my hand for the entire procedure.

I was pretty anxious.  I tried to wear fun socks for all my appointments; the nurses usually comment on how much they enjoy seeing all of the colorful and patterned socks people wear. You know, since that is ALL we are allowed to wear.

Our RE was very supportive of our decision to only transfer one.  It was perfect, and we have more very high quality blasts to freeze for future transfers.  Here is the blast is in my uterus after the transfer - yeah, that little white line right there:

Yes!! Baby inside!

After 30 minutes on my back after the procedure, I was sent home on modified bed rest for the next two days - I am to stay off my feet as much as possible.  Josh was told to take very good care of me, and he has certainly met that challenge!  In addition to taking care of Lucy today, Josh got me lunch, made dinner, baked cookies, and then cleaned up the kitchen.  All while I sat of the couch watching On-Demand movies with my feet up.  This has never happened before!!!  I love you, babe!

How many people does it take to make a baby?  In our case, a handful of nurses, the RE, and an embryologist.  Oh yeah, and me and Josh :)  When we decided we were ready to have a baby, we certainly never expected any of this. We are thrilled to have everything go so smoothly so far, as we know that many couples facing IVF incur many additional challenges along the way.  I cannot explain the feeling to know that our baby is possibly {hopefully} growing inside me at this very minute.  But I am still trying to be cautious with my optimism.  We are numbers people.  IVF success rates are not 100%.  We are looking at potential success somewhere around 60%, and that would be a little higher had we transferred two.  At this point, all I can do is take in easy and wait (while our blast implants and grows).  With fingers crossed and lots of prayers.

Everyone loves a fort & I beat Josh at College Football Pick 'Em!!

Well, except for Lucy.  She didn't so much appreciate the fort that Josh and I built for her this afternoon :(

She chose to lay half-under the table all on her own.  Yes, with her butt on the bed and head on the floor.  

She is weird like that sometimes.

But, its understandable if she is a little irritable lately.  She seems to be doing quite well; she is getting around more than she should and she is anxious to play every little chance she gets.  We have to try and keep her from using her leg too much yet - 2 weeks of as much rest as possible is what the doctor ordered.

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It's the last week of ESPN's College Pick 'Em.  Entering the week I am in third place, one point out of second and 11 out of first.  Josh is on my heels in 4th.  I wanted to make some risky picks this week to give myself a chance of taking over the top spot in case any upsets do happen, but I didn't want to risk falling behind Josh.  I stuck my upset picks as my bottom 3 selections, so we will see what happens.  Lets just say I am a huge Southern Miss fan today.  And I will also be rooting for any team that can help Michigan secure a BCS bid (which actually includes Southern Miss but not Oklahoma).

10 pts: LSU over Georgia

9 pts: Wisconsin over Michigan St

8 pts: Cincinnati over Connecticut

7 pts: Wyoming over Colorado St

6 pts: BYU over Hawaii

5 pts: Virginia Tech over Clemson

4 pts: Pittsburgh over Syracuse

3 pts: Texas over Baylor

2 pts: Oklahoma over Oklahoma St

1 pt: Southern Miss over Houston

Update:  45 points, good enough for 2nd place on the season. (6 points out of first.  Southern Miss made me look pretty brilliant for a while.)  I finished in the top 1% of everyone who signed up to play Pick 'Em on  ESPN, not too shabby for a girl!  And the best part......I beat Josh, who finished 3rd, a solid 8 points behind me.  House bragging rights for a year baby!

Transfer time, and one final question

My nurse called this afternoon, and our transfer is set for 9:45am on Sunday.  Eek! It is so weird to think that in two days, I will be pregnant, and that I know this piece of information.

I have been thinking about our embryos every day.  I pray they are growing strong.  I hope that all of the cells continue to multiply each day and that they are high enough quality to freeze.

And at home, the debate rages on:  1 or 2?  How many should we transfer?  Josh and I have discussed this from the day we decided to pursue IVF.  We started out saying that if we had one of the highest possible quality blastocysts and were doing a day 5 transfer, we would transfer one beautiful blast.  We are pretty sure our RE is going to recommend transferring two - he has a pretty aggressive approach to this process and he is a statistics guy.  I think (though I can't confirm either way) that the numbers show a slightly higher success rate when transferring more than one blast.  And put it this way, would we rather be pregnant with two babies or zero?  Well, that answer is easy (two).  But, we would still prefer a singleton pregnancy.  We will have more children in the future, so its not that we don't want more than one.  Josh and I are both on the same page on this one, just neither of us are sure what our final decision will be.  This is going to be a game time decision - we need to see exactly what quality blasts we are working with and talk to the doctor.  Then, we will just have to follow our hearts.

Cold puppy butt

I knew that 60-degree November weather in Michigan would be short-lived.  We had our first snowfall last night, getting about 5 inches of accumulation.  

Good thing we got those lights up the day after Thanksgiving!

Since it was raining first, this snow was really heavy and there was a nice layer of ice underneath.  It was enough to close the schools for the day, but that didn't stop us from getting moving.  It was puppy pick-up day!  Josh had to drop me off at work so he could go pick up Lucy at MSU in the afternoon.

The doctor (ok, so actually the med/vet student working under him) said Lucy is doing beautifully.  They were surprised to see her already putting some weight on her leg, albeit tentatively.  She does have a good 8 weeks of recovery ahead of her though.  Lucy has a nice row of staples that we will make an appointment with our local vet to remove in a couple weeks.  She is on some antibiotics to prevent infection, and some other meds for pain and joint health.  She can only go outside to go potty, and we need to take her out on a leash for the next 4 weeks (ugh!).  Then we can start short walks (5 minutes) for the next four weeks, and we will have a follow-up with x-rays at MSU in about 2 months.  Her long-term prognosis is great!  She should be running, playing, and swimming(!) by this spring.  We do still need to get a few pounds off her to prevent similar injuries on her other limbs though.

I think they got a little carried away shaving her.... half her butt is bare!  Geez.... don't they know dogs can't wear pants to cover that up?!  Lucy only has to wear the cone when we aren't home... which is good, because we get the stink eye when we put it on her.

The puppy-dog eyes can easily be confused with the stink-eye, but rest assured she was unhappy with us.

Mostly, she is resting comfortably and we are so glad to have our baby home with us.  I just can't wait for her to get back to her playful puppy-self.

Fert Report

I mentioned yesterday how my ovaries were total rock-stars for this IVF, as they retrieved 27 eggs!  Turns out Josh had some pretty rock-star swimmers himself.  The nurse called with our fertilization stats today, so here is what he have:

27 eggs retrieved
21 of the 27 were mature
19 of the 21 fertilized with ICSI

So in some petri dish in a lab in Rochester, we have 19 tiny embryos growing.  How awesome is that!?!  Josh and I are hoping that they grow strong and we have enough to freeze such that we can complete our family with this group of embryos.  Embies for life, baby!

Egg Retrieval day

Today me and Lucy had our surgeries.  Things went REALLY well for both of us!!!

Lets start with the egg retrieval.  We triggered at midnight on Sunday for our noon appointment today.  I wasn't allowed to eat anything after midnight last night, so I stayed up late (for me) and had a nice little meal at about 11:45pm.  Then we slept in a little bit and left early to make a few quick shopping stops (an exchange, and to get some diet food for puppy) before getting to the REs office at 11:30.  We had to go to the Rochester campus, which is about 90 minutes away.

I got called back fairly quickly, changed, and a nurse prepped my IV.  Believe it or not, this was not only my first time under any kind on anesthesia, but it was also my first IV ever.

Everything crossed (pre-IV).  Hoping for a great retrieval!

They took my into the operating room, and Josh went off to do his thing.  He said the resources here were better than last time, I think he described them as "acceptable."  Lucky man, they even had videos.

Random tangent: There are some things about this process that suck, and there are other things you just get over.  The emotionally toll everything takes will never get old.  Needles and shots - I'm over it.  Doesn't bother me in the slightest anymore.  Laying on a table half naked with your legs spread in the air in front of a room full of people - I'm kind of over that too.  A little scary, I know.

So anyway, the nurse walks me into the OR and gets me situated on the table.  After the embryologist, RE, and anesthesiologist check my wrist-band to make sure they have the right person, I get a dose of the anesthesia.  I remember a nurse focusing a huge light on my crotch, then nothing.  I was out in literally seconds.  The next thing I knew, I was waking up in a recovery room.

Josh was still doing his thing (he had to wait a bit to go back, and my procedure only took about 20 minutes), so I just laid there in a dazed state for a while.  Soon Josh was sitting next to me again, and we talked for a bit.  Eventually I got some juice and crackers to munch on, and then they delivered the news:

27 eggs!

We were THRILLED.  Thank you, rock-star ovaries.  Thank you.

That is just so awesome.  We were hoping to get about 20, which would have been amazing, but 27 just made our day.  Now I'm definitely feeling it.  I was reminded again that the more eggs they take out, the higher the risk of OHSS.  So I just really need to take it easy these next couple days.

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On the way home, we got an update on puppy.  Her surgery went beautifully too!!    She was recovering well and awake.  The vet expects a full recovery :) 

The Puppy Doctor

I triggered last night, and if I thought I was uncomfortable toward the end of stims I had another thing coming.  I am sooo bloated, constipated, achy.... ugh.  I really hope we get a bunch of eggs tomorrow so I never have to do this again. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

But today, we have bigger things to take care of.  We had to take our baby to a specialist at Michigan State animal hospital.

Quick back story:  Sometime in September, Lucy started limping and favoring her left hind leg.  Seemed to get better, then worse again.  Took her to the vet.  Vet was worried about hip dysplasia so we got some meds and were ordered to keep her activity level down to see if it got better.  No dice, so we took her back two weeks later for x-rays.  Vet didn't think she had hip dysplasia, said to keep resting it.  Vet calls back 2 weeks later saying that she showed x-rays to some colleagues, and maybe Lucy does have dysplasia.  Referred us to a specialist at MSU who specializes in canine orthopedics (he is actually one of the best in the country).

So today, we hit the road nice and early to get to an 8:30am appointment in East Lansing.  We met with a vet student who took a history and did an exam.  He took the x-rays we brought to show the vet, and then we got to meet with the vet himself.  The vet checked out Lucy's leg for approximately 15 seconds and informed us she had a ruptured ACL.  According to him, her hips look great for a 2-year old.  Yeah, we were a little miffed at this point.

So, he recommended a TPLO surgery, and he could do it tomorrow.  We talked (for about 30 minutes actually), and since we were expecting Lucy to need surgery anyway (just not on her knee and not the next day) we decided to leave her there to have the operation.

I have been a mess all afternoon.  There are lots of tears.  I'm sure it is part hormones, but I can't stop worrying about my baby.  She must be super scared and she is all alone (an exaggeration I realize, but she isn't with us).  And no one will be there holding her paw when she wakes up from surgery tomorrow.  So I'll just keep her in my thoughts and prayers.  We really need to get her fixed up.  She has been sad since I stopped taking her on my runs and Josh stopped taking her to the dog park to play.  We just want our happy puppy back!

So tomorrow is puppy and mommy surgery day.  Say a little prayer for us!

Meet me in the parking lot

I had to go in for my last monitoring appointment today - yes, on a Sunday.  The RE wanted to check my progress one last time.  I met my nurse in the parking lot - she had to let me into the building since the doors were locked, and then we headed up to the office.

Everything looks good.  She still measured 13 follies on the right, many of which were 20mm or bigger.  She measured 11 follies on the left, but some weren't even 14mm yet, so she wasn't sure how many of those would mature by the retrieval.  Overall, I am hoping we get somewhere around 20 eggs, which would be amazing!

Our retrieval time is noon on Tuesday, which means we trigger at midnight tonight!

Go Blue, Beat OSU!

I  squeezed in a few last workouts this week.  I got a nice and easy run in on Monday, and then on Tuesday I just did some easy weights in the gym at lunch.  Tuesday night was day 5 of stims.  I don't want to push it, so I'm done.  No more exercise (beyond walking) until I am cleared by my doctor, which will be sometime in January if I'm lucky, but more likely February.  :(  (My RE is very conservative with IVF pregnancies, and I will be in his care for the first trimester.)

Su 11/20: rest
M 11/21: 4.06 easy, 37:16, 9:11 pace
Tu 11/22: 30:00 min free weights on the balance ball (8 upper body exercises, 10-15 reps, 3 sets), 2x1:00 planks
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Now on to the real excitement of the weekend - its the BIG game!  Michigan vs. Ohio State, one of the best rivalries in college football.  Except, it hasn't been very interesting lately.  Michigan hasn't won since 2006.  Its about time!  So, thats how I plan to spend my afternoon.  Let's Go Blue!

10 pts: Oregon over Oregon St

9 pts: Stanford over Notre Dame

8 pts: Michigan over Ohio St

7 pts: Wisconsin over Penn St

6 pts: Michigan St over Northwestern

5 pts: Georgia over Georgia Tech

4 pts; Virginia Tech over Virginia

3 pts: Rutgers over Connecticut

2 pts: Florida St over Florida

1 pt: South Carolina over Clemson

Update: Not bad, my highest score of the year.  I'm still in third, but only 1 measly point out of second with one week to go.

This turkey is not trotting.

It's 60 degrees and sunny today.  In Michigan.  On November 25th.  As a runner, having perfect running weather the day after the largest-calorie-meal-of-the-year should be a dream come true.  Unfortunately, this turkey is not running anywhere today.

I went in for my second monitoring appointment this morning (at 6:45!).  Everything is progressing along quite swimmingly: I have 11 follicles on the left, largest ~13mm, and 13 on the right with a few 15-16mm.  The nurse was very pleased with the progress, and said we are on track with a Tuesday retrieval.  She did warn that with so many follicles, I am at risk for OHSS, and reminded me that exercise or excessive twisting should be avoided.  I'm honestly feeling a little uncomfortable - I definitely feel my ovaries and experience some cramping on and off all day.  To explain a hidden double meaning in the post title, I'm also constipated (hahaha, I'm so clever).  The nurse says this is another common side effect as things get a little crowded in there, but it is important to help things along as much as possible since it will only get worse.

I go back in on Sunday for another ultrasound, and until then keep with the same dose of meds.  I'll spend the rest of today catching up on sleep lost from my Black Friday shopping adventure last night (not really worth the effort, but I wasn't shopping for that many things to begin with) and doing some more deal hunting online.

Happy Thanksgiving

I think this is Josh's favorite holiday of the year: it centers around a feast and football :)  And Josh's mom, sister, and I make some really darn yummy food!

As we gather with family today, I am reminded that there are so many things I am thankful for.  While my life feels empty in some ways, it is overflowing with love and joy in others.  I am happy I will be surrounded by family today, and thinking of those who we are not physically with this afternoon.  We are lucky in so many ways, and today of all days is a time to celebrate all the gifts God has given us.

I am especially thankful for these two.

No, it's not snowing here (its actually beautiful for November!). This picture is from last December, but I really like it!

So far, so good

I had my first monitoring appointment today, after 5 days of stims (today is the morning of day 6 but I take my shots at night).  Things seem to be moving right along!

I wore some fun socks.  Maybe these will be my lucky socks this cycle!

The nurse started looking at my left ovary, and was a tad concerned.  She measured 7 follies, nothing was larger than 8mm.  She thought I may need to up my meds.  Then she looked at the right... Jackpot!  She measured 11 follies on the right, all between 8 and 14mm.  She is guessing we will stay on course, pending blood work results, and come in for another check on Friday.  But as for now.... so far, so good!

Congrats, JV!

Well, I wasn't sure it was possible, but Justin Verlander did it.  Last week he took home the AL Cy Young award, and today he was named the AL MVP!

JV is the first starting pitcher to win both awards since Roger Clemens in 1986.  He had an awesome year winning the pitching triple crown, and in my opinion the award was well deserved.

I still want to get my hands on a JV cape.  It would make a great addition to my outfit next time I go to a Tigers game.

Its beginning to look a lot like Christmas

...you know, since I don't keep a decorated tree in my living room year round.

Since I'm not entirely sure how my IVF cycle will fall next month, and I'm not sure how I will be feeling, I've been trying to get ahead on Christmas a little bit.  I already started mixing and freezing a bunch of cookie dough for a baking weekend later in December.  And for the first time ever in my life, the tree is up and decorated before Thanksgiving:

I absolutely LOVE the Christmas season!

The time I did drugs in my car.

Lots of good stuff to post about today.  I met my friend Lauren for our annual shopping trip to Birch Run.  We usually have pretty good luck kicking off our Christmas shopping together sometime in mid-November.

I managed to pick up a few gifts this year, and I cherish the time we spend together chatting and catching up on things.  Lauren is getting married in June, so between the wedding and my treatments, we had plenty to talk about.


After we had dinner, I had to get down to business - it was stim shot time.  Since these injections are in my stomach, I have no issues doing them myself. I probably could have waited until I drove home, but wanted to be sure I was keeping things as consistent from day to day as possible.  So, I set up shop and did the shot before hitting the road:

I am hoping the guy that parked two spots over didn't call the cops when he saw me drawing up drugs from a vial into a syringe in my car.

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This was most likely my last good workout for a while, so I made sure to get in a few good quality runs.  Here is how the week looked with 18.7 miles:

Su 11/13: rest
M 11/14: 3.51 pace, 30:51, 8:48 pace
Tu 11/15: 5.28 easy, 48:16, 9:09 pace
W 11/16: 3.76 easy, 34:11, 9:05 pace
Th 11/17: Insanity Cardio Recovery and Cardio Abs 50:00 min
F 11/18: rest
Sa 11/19: 6.15 long, 57:51, 9:24 pace

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And, I can't forget college football picks for the week:

 

10 pts: LSU over Ole Miss

9 pts: Oregon over USC

8 pts: Oklahoma over Baylor

7 pts: Florida State over Virginia

6 pts: Clemson over North Carolina

5 pts: Ohio St over Penn St

4 pts: Miami (FL) over South Florida

3 pts: Michigan over Nebraska

2 pts: Iowa over Purdue

1 pt: Rutgers over Cincinnati

Update: NOT a good week.  I managed 19 points, which was 2nd highest in our group and moved me into 3rd place just ahead of Josh.  The entire group had a dismal week with all of these upsets.

Good thing I'm not trypanophobic (afraid of needles)

Today I went in for my baseline ultrasound, and everything looked good.  No cysts, so we are good to start stims (meds to stimulate my ovaries to produce more than one lead follicle/egg) tonight. 
My baseline blood work (for my records):
Estrogen: 36
FSH: 2.1
LH 0.9
Progesterone: <0.2

And tonight, shot time.  I am rather lucky in that I can mix my meds (4 vials) all into one shot.  Some ladies have to take many shots a day, I have one short skinny needle that I can stick in the flabby part of my stomach (sub-cutaneous).  Not bad at all.

It took me about 15 minutes tonight, but I was reading the instructions every step of the way.  Josh handles all the shots that go in my ass, but I figure I would handle these.  It wasn't so bad, and I'm sure I will get more efficient at it.  I've never given myself a shot before, but once I got over the initial hesitation, everything was fine.  Only 9 (or maybe less) more nights to go!  (Of stims.  I think I will be getting a shot every day for the next two months or so...)

40 weeks from today

will be my estimated due date  if I get pregnant.  I officially started cycle #13 (19 months) of trying-to-conceive today, which will be our first IVF cycle.  We hope to be celebrating the birth of our child in late August next year!

I go in for baseline testing tomorrow, and should start stims tomorrow night.

Doggus Interruptus

Josh came across this article on CNN yesterday about an ad campaign using humor to promote contraception, and had to laugh at the print ad they used as an example:

I had to admit, having a dog has definitely affected our bedroom activities at times.  It doesn't help that Lucy is very protective of me, oh, and our bedroom door doesn't latch (old house, damn door frame) :/

Bet you never thought you'd see an ad promoting birth control on this blog, huh?

Monday Miscellany

I already have plans for March 23, 2012.  The newest Hunger Games trailer was released today, and I am beyond excited to see this movie.  I haven't been to see a movie in the theater in years (yes, plural), but I have plans to go in 2012.

The Hunger Games movie trailer, C Lions-Gate

If you haven't read the series by Suzanne Collins, I HIGHLY recommend it.  I loved these books (even though they are young-adult classified).  I think I'll read them again this winter...

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My legs LOVE Mondays.  (The rest of me, not so much.)  For the second week in a row, I kicked a sub-9:00 min/mile pace run.  3.5 miles in 30:52 today.  Woot.

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Also, check out The Hungry Runner Girl's blog - she is giving away $100 Lulu giftcard!  I own nothing lululemon, so this would help me acquire the only piece of lulu I will ever own.

I'm patenting this move.

My holiday baking is underway!

Awkward flour pouring. 

As of this weekend, I have my first three batches of cookie dough in the freezer.  I go a little overboard each year, so I have to start early so I'm not completely overwhelmed on "baking weekend."  I try to get as much dough made and frozen ahead of time as I can, so then about 2 weeks before Christmas I start baking/decorating/assembling.  I make a ton of cookies and treats.  I bring them to gatherings, hand them out to neighbors, and bring them in to all the shifts at work and groups I work with.  I get the feeling they are very much appreciated!

One of my cookie trays from two years ago.  Yumm!

I really love the holidays, and I love baking.  I can't wait for Thanksgiving and the Holiday season that follows!

Make Your Move

It was a great day for a run here - I'll be thankful anytime I can get mid-50s in mid-November in mid-Michigan.  So I cranked out a solid 8 miles - what may be my last long run of the year.  I still managed a decent total for the week - 19.12 miles - while doing 2 Insanity videos.

Su 11/6: 3.51 easy, 33:25, 9:31 pace
M 11/7: 3.52 pace, 30:38, 8:42 pace
Tu 11/8: Insanity Cardio Power & Resistance 40 min
W 11/9: Rest
Th 11/10: Insanity Cardio Core & Balance 40 min
F 11/11: 4.01 easy, 37:20, 9:18 pace
Sa 11/12: 8.08 long, 1:18:56, 9:46 pace

And of course... its Football Saturday!  With only 4 weeks remaining in College Pick 'Em, I need to make my move.  I'm tied with Josh for third place, and we are 13 points out of first.  We will need some help to climb to the top, but lets be real:  the only competition I care about at this point is the guy sleeping next to me each night.  Just need bragging rights in the house and I'm happy :)

10 pts: Arkansas over Tennessee

9 pts: Oklahoma St over Texas Tech

8 pts: Georgia over Auburn

7 pts: Florida St over Miami (FL)

6 pts: Texas over Missouri

5 pts: Kansas St over Texas A&M

4 pts: Michigan over Illinois

3 pts: Stanford over Oregon

2 pts: Michigan St over Iowa

1 pt: Nebraska over Penn St

Update: 46 points this week, moved 1 point ahead of Josh, but still 13 out of first.  Three more weeks to go.

Happy 11 Day

Happy 11-11-11.  Make sure you celebrate at 11:11.

Earlier this year, I plugged the date of my fifth cycle TTC into an EDD (estimated due date) calculator.  If that cycle worked, I would be expecting a baby around November 5th of this year (coincidentally my Dad's birthday).  Knowing that first time moms often go past their due date, Josh and I talked about how neat it would be for our child to have the birth date 11-11-11.  Well, that's not gonna happen.

I wish I didn't remember stuff like this, but I can't help it today.

Black Friday shopping is only two weeks away, so I'm trying to distract myself with gift lists and strategic planning with the help of all the early leaked ads.  What's on your Christmas list this year?  I'm having trouble thinking of much of anything, since all I want is apparently much harder to get than I ever imagined.

The Last (sushi) Supper

Josh took me out for dinner tonight.

*Awwww*

I paid.

*Oh.*

I really love sushi.  There is a great little restaurant in Bay City that offers All-You-Can-Eat sushi (made to order) on Thursdays for $16.95.  We've been many times.  The sushi is good - nothing special - but good.  And plentiful.  I think we ate 7 (yes - SEVEN) rolls tonight, plus our appetizer sampler (also included) and miso soup.  We are stuffed.  But I am so glad I got in one more round of AYCE sushi before I get knocked up.

(Wish I had a picture to share, but I forgot.)

IVF "training"

Today we went in for our "nurse's appointment" for IVF.  Some clinics make you go through a class or training, ours does a private 1-hour session with the nurse.  Love this.

This is going to be a fairly boring post, but I do want to document our visits and protocol this time around.

Our nurse started out discussing our protocol with us:  I will get a shot of Lupron Depot for suppression today.  The Lupron will prevent me from ovulating on my own during the IVF cycle.  My RE uses this depot shot, which means I will only need 1 shot (vs. a daily dose) and there is a delayed release of the medicine.  This doesn't appear to be a very popular protocol from my research, but my RE uses it exclusively in long-Lupron protocols and has great success.  And, who am I to complain about a few less shots at home?

After I start my period next week, I will go in for a baseline ultrasound and blood work to verify I don't have any cysts and check my estrogen level, among other things.  Then I start "stims" - I will be on 150iu (2 vials each) of Bravelle - a follicle stimulating hormone - and Menopur - which stimulates FSH and luteinizing hormone (LH).  I can combine these 4 vials into one shot which is great.  I will have to give myself a shot in the belly for 10 days, while they monitor my progress via blood work and ultrasound on days 5/7/9.

Then, when my follicles are ready, I will take a shot of hCG to trigger ovulation and go in for egg retrieval 36 hours later.  The mature eggs will be fertilized via ICSI, and then we will go in for blastocyst transfer 5 days after the retrieval.  I will be under anesthesia for the ER (technically sedation), but awake for the transfer.  While they are doing the ER procedure, Josh goes to give his sample.  Both of these visits take place in the Rochester office (still performed by my RE), which is about an hour and 15 minutes drive for us.  Oddly enough, its only about 2 miles from my brother and sister-in-laws house.

Whew.  That was long, sorry.  But that is nothing compared to all the paperwork we had to sign.  Obviously we we made aware of all the fees - sign.  How many embryos are we willing to transfer - sign.  What about selective reduction - sign.  And should we both die while we still have embryos frozen, what happens to them (what?  now we need to work on a will) - sign.  Willing to use donor sperm (no) - sign.  And I think there were a few more pages too, but this was heavy shit.  It definitely feels all grown up and real now.

We learned some cool things: like if I am pregnant, I will be monitored by blood work and ultrasound every other week through the first trimester.  That's 5-6 ultrasounds!  Many women don't get to see their baby that many times in their whole pregnancy!  Definitely one of the few pluses to IVF.
And we learned some not-so-cool things: like I am on activity restriction not only through the IVF procedure, but throughout the entire first trimester!!  Yikes!  What exactly am I allowed to do?  Walking and prenatal yoga.  Wow, I'm gonna be bored!  Apparently not only is the risk of OHSS high after ER, but that risk persists for a while since my follicles are likely to re-fill with fluid, leaving my ovaries large for a while until it can all drain.  The risk of doing too much activity is torsion - the ovaries can twist since they are free-floating in the abdomen which has serious complications. So, I guess I'm officially sidielined for what I hope is approximately 3 months.

After all of that, the nurse showed us how to mix our injections.  I brought our box-o-meds, so she went through all of it with us.  It will take a little time, but it doesn't seem so bad.  Then she gave me my shot of Lupron, and off we went.

My emotions are definitely a little all over the place today.  Nervous, excited, scared, anxious.  But mostly, I'm hopeful for what will be waiting for us at the end of this crazy journey.

Hello, legs, there you are!

Whew, finally!  I finally managed a good tempo run this afternoon, my first pace run since the marathon.  I have struggled to keep a sub-10:00 pace on my runs lately; I feel like I'm running fast, but I'm not.  Lately, my normal, relaxed 9:xx pace has just taken soooo much effort. 

Until today.  I enjoyed some unseasonably warm November weather for Michigan (60 degrees).  I started off on my run with no specific plan, but about a 1/2 mile in, Garmin showed me I was running at a 9:20 pace.  I thought, "Huh, this isn't so bad.  I'm gonna push it a bit."  I finished the first mile in 9:06, and decided to keep pushing it since I only had time for 3-4 miles.  I was working hard, but just on the edge of uncomfortable.  Mile 2 ticked by in 8:42, and mile 3 in 8:28.  I stalked Garmin that last half mile, and kept with it for an 8:25 pace.  Whew! 

3.52 miles pace, 30:38, 8:42 average pace.  My legs are back, baby! 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

The New York City Marathon was on Sunday.  Geoffrey Mutai is amazing.  He unofficially ran the fastest marathon ever in Boston in April of this year, and then he went and shattered the course record on his way to winning NYC.  Wow. 

I bring up the NYC marathon, because it is officially on the top of my "Marathons I Want to Run List."  Actually, its the only race on the list.  I don't plan to spend the rest of my life running marathons, but when I get the itch, I plan to scratch.  And at some point, I want to run NYC.  After reading race reviews, seeing pictures, and reading about just how AWESOME it is, I so want to be a part of it! 

Beautiful Lengths

I chopped my hair:

I had an 8" ponytail cut off, which I am planning to donate to Pantene Beautiful Lengths.  I chose Beautiful Lengths because of 2 reasons:  their wigs are free for those in need (Locks of Love are not), and their minimum requirement is 8" (Wigs for Kids is 12").

At least all those prenatal vitamins have been good for something - I've been on them for over a year now!

Insane

I have access to a great gym at work, and they recently ordered copies of the P90X and Insanity workouts by Beachbody (NOT a referral link).  I have done P90X before, following the full 90-day program as written (well, minus the diet part anyway).  I still occasionally throw a P90X video into my workout rotation every now and then for weight training.  On Thursday, I thought I would give Insanity a try. 

I tried one Insanity video a while ago, and I remember it being hard.  This time around, I went with Pure Cardio - at a little under 40 minutes, it fit well into the limited time I had.  Let me say this - wowza.  Two days later, and I sorta feel like I ran a marathon on Thursday!  That 40 minutes packed one heck of a punch.  I was breathing quite heavy and pretty out of breath after the 10-minute warm-up!  (I should have worn a heart rate monitor, but I bet the warm-up got me to at least 80% of my max HR.)

The workout is basically this: 10 minute "warm-up" that get progressively more intense, break, stretching, break, 15 minute "work-out", break, cool-down stretches.  Yes, the actual workout segment is only 15 minutes.  But because of the intensity of the warm-up, and even the stretches, I felt I got a very solid cardio workout in.  Shaun T encourages you to take breaks as needed, and I definitely took a few myself to catch my breath.  I didn't find any of the moves difficult or needing modification, but there were plenty of times I couldn't keep up with his maxed-out pace, so I just did as much as I could.  My glutes were definitely feeling this workout the day after, and today my calves, upper hamstrings, glutes and inner thighs are rebelling.

I think I will try a few more Insanity videos here and there, but I don't plan to follow the 60-day program.  I plan to be sidelined from this sort of activity very soon..... (wink)

I still managed to run a few miles this week as well, though today was pretty darn slow.  I took off early and it was freezing (literally, like <32 degrees).  It took me the first 5 miles of the run to feel warmed up and loosen my legs enough to have a comfortable stride.  Here is how I fit the 20.34 miles in:

Su 10/30: 4.02 easy, 38:28, 9:34 pace
M 10/31: Rest
Tu 11/1: 4.04 easy, 38:26, 9:31 pace
W 11/2: 5.02 easy, 47:43, 9:30 pace; Ab Ripper X
Th 11/3: 40 min Insanity Pure Cardio
F 11/4: Rest
Sa 11/5: 7.26 easy, 1:13:51, 10:10 pace

And of course, its football Saturday.  Go Blue!

10 pts: Oklahoma over Texas A&M
9 pts: North Carolina over NC State
8 pts: Arkansas over South Carolina
7 pts: Texas over Texas Tech
6 pts: Alabama over LSU
5 pts: Michigan over Iowa
4 pts: Cincinnati over Pitt
3 pts: Baylor over Missouri
2 pts: Utah over Arizona
1 pt: Syracuse over UConn

UPDATE: Pretty bummed that Michigan lost.  Not sure how they are going to make it to Indy now...  As for this week, I had 34 points, and Josh and I are tied for third in our pool.

Ever wonder what $2,572 of fertility drugs looks like?

Oh $HIT.

Oh yeah, and this doesn't include $800 of Lupron I need.  My RE's office is kindly donating our Lupron this cycle since they have some on hand and it wasn't covered by my insurance.  (Actually, none of this was yet - I need to submit a separate claim to my health insurer, who is separate from my prescription drug coverage, and I *think* it will get covered, but who knows how long that might take.)

We don't start for a couple weeks yet, but we have a nurse's appointment next week where we learn to do all of the injections, and the details of the protocol, and sign a million papers.  I wanted to have all of this stuff for that appointment so the nurse could go through it with us.  (By the way, I just have to say how much I LOVE the nurses at my clinic - they are so nice and patient!)

Eeek!  This is getting more and more real every day!

Oh, yes I did

But how could I resist?  The bib and boo hat were 75% off.  The sleeper was half off, and it was the last one, and it will *probably* be the right size!  If Target had any infant Halloween costumes left, I probably would have bought one of those too!

Green light

We passed one last hurdle this week, and have the green light to proceed with our IVF cycle.

On Monday I went in for an SHG (sonohystogram) and what they call a "mock-transfer."  The SHG was done to make sure there were no abnormalities in my uterus that would prevent a viable pregnancy.  My RE inserted a catheter with a balloon into my cervix, and then filled my uterus with saline.  Nothing abnormal there, yea!  The mock-transfer only took a few seconds afterward.  Since embryos are so fragile, the doctor wants to make she he will have no trouble transferring them.  Se he "practiced" with the same type of catheter they use during the embryo transfer just to make sure everything went smoothly.  No problems there either!  The whole procedure took less than 5 minutes.  I felt a little bit of cramping, but no significant pain.  I went back to work after and did a 4 mile run in the afternoon, so it didn't keep me off my feet at all.

At this point, I am very nervous about this cycle.  I am pretty scared about all of the meds and hormones and how I will react (and how Josh will react to how I react) and how uncomfortable I might be.  It will all be worth it in the end, though.  I want this baby more than anything and I will do whatever I have to at this point to make that happen.  I am also keeping a very positive outlook and am excited.  I try to hold onto those positive thoughts to get me though.

Beautiful people

This quote was shared with me this morning, and it reminded me that we all struggle in some way.

"The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern.  Beautiful people do not just happen."

 - Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

Happy Halloween!

Lucy hopes everyone had a safe and bountiful Halloween! She lucked out on the costume this year, since I was a little lazy this October. Mr. Pirate-Pumpkin-Head and Ms. Witch-Pumpkin-Head sure made carving pumpkins easy!

Josh and I re-used costumes from a couple years ago. These costumes are quite a hit - well with the parents anyways. The kids trick-or-treating have never even heard of Double Dare before.

Happy Halloween!

Slow Motion

Have you ever been on a run, and felt like you were running much faster than you actually were?  Well, that would describe every. single. one of my runs this week.  I was running along, breathing kind of heavy, feeling like I was moving at a pretty good clip.  I figured I must be running a sub-9:00 min mile pace, so I checked my watch.  It was early in the run and I didn't want to push it too hard.  Then I see it: pace = 9:54.  Are you shitting me?  Is my Garmin broken???  That was Tuesday, but repeat the exact scenario every day after.  I could not keep my pace down.  I felt like I was running hard, moving right along, concentrating on keeping my breathing even... and I kept finding out I was struggling to break the 10:00 min/mile pace.  Heck, I think I ran more miles >10:00/mile than under my marathon pace (9:36/mile) this week. 

So, I'm still working on recovering from the race.  I've taken it easy, but still getting some miles in.  I anticipate one more week like this last one - slow and easy.  I got 17.95 miles in this week, I'm shooting for 20 next week.

S 10/23: Rest
M 10/24: Rest
Tu 10/25:  3.66 recovery, 35:49, 9:47 pace
W 10/26: 30 min P90X - 15 min Ab Ripper, 15 min Shoulders/Arms
Th 10/27: 4.07 recovery, 39:16, 9:39 pace
F 10/28: 3.96 recovery, 38:59, 9:51 pace; 45 min P90X Back and Biceps
Sa 10/29: 6.26 easy, 1:01:22, 9:49 pace

And, Its football Saturday!  Today is Michigan's Homecoming, but we are rooting them on from afar.  Let's Go Blue!

10 pts: Oklahoma St over Baylor

9 pts: Michigan over Purdue

8 pts: Oklahoma over Kansas St

7 pts: Wisconsin over Ohio St

6 pts: Stanford over USC

5 pts: Clemson over Georgia Tech

4 pts: South Carolina over Tennessee

3 pts: Georgia over Florida

2 pts: Michigan St over Nebraska

1 pt: Louisville over Syracuse

UPDATE: 41 points this week, holding onto 4th place with Josh on my heels in 5th.

We've Decided

For whatever reason, I’ve been putting off writing this post. It’s been hard to get my thoughts on this into a concrete format. (Warning: I captured my thoughts. This post is LONG.)

Now that the marathon is over, it is time to switch our focus back to Baby, which has become an entirely different kind of marathon. After our failed September cycle, Josh and I agreed that it made sense to take the next cycle off: it would allow me to run the marathon worry-free, and we could get our heads straight about our next steps.

After 18 months of trying and 12 failed cycles, we have decided to pursue in vitro fertilization.
 
Josh and I went it for a consult with our RE on Monday. After waiting an hour to see the guy, it was a pretty quick meeting. Our RE has pointed us in this direction all along, but we wanted to take baby steps to get here. He filled out the paperwork, and moved us to another room where we spent the next hour or so talking with a nurse and then with someone from the office about the finances of the procedure.

We will be doing in vitro fertilization (IVF) with intra cytoplasmic sperm injection (ICSI). In short, I will be on some meds to manipulate my cycle and hyper-stimulate my ovaries. I will go in for an egg retrieval procedure, where mature eggs are extracted from their follicles while I am sedated. With ICSI, Josh’s sperm will be injected directly into each egg for fertilization. After 5 days, we will pick the best embryo (or two) to transfer back to my uterus. Then we pray the embryo implants and gets cozy. This whole process will take about 6 weeks.

So much is going through my head, I’ve had a LOT to think about over the past few weeks. I wanted to document some of my thought streams. They might not all make sense, some of the thoughts are incomplete, and I may have left out some important information, so bear with me.

How did we get to this point?? Have we tried everything? Is IVF the next logical step? Is it the right step for us?
We have tried ovulation stimulation, and it worked. I did ovulate. But coupled with the slight MFI factor, I’m not pregnant. The next step could be injectable meds (like the ones they use for stims during IVF), which would hyper-stimulate my ovaries and give us more targets (eggs) for fertilization each month. BUT, there is a much higher chance of multiples with this treatment (and higher-order multiples), and we would have to be willing to pursue selective reduction if it became necessary. We don’t want to go there if we can avoid it. Also – and I HATE that money is driving any of our decisions – injectable meds are VERY expensive (like $2,500 per cycle just for the meds), and our chances of success only go up a few percentage points. While I am grateful we have some insurance coverage, its minimal ($15,000 lifetime) and we would rather use the coverage we have to try a procedure with a higher success rate. We could try intra-uterine insemination (IUI), but we would have to be on expensive meds for those cycles too (since I’ve used up my lifetime Clomid cycles), and once again the likelihood of success isn’t that much higher than what we have been doing. If we had unlimited insurance coverage, we might try injectables+IUI, but those cycles would burn through our current coverage relatively quickly and we want a baby. (We are talking success rates in the range of 8-14% for IUI to 53% for IVF). So IVF does make sense for us. And at this point, we both believe it is the right next step, but that doesn’t change the fact that I never thought we would be in this position.

How do I reconcile this with God? Can a baby created by IVF still be baptized in the Catholic Church?
I am admittedly not the best Catholic, but I still go to Church, and I believe in God and Jesus Christ. I have done some reading to educate myself, and I have read some conflicting documents. My overall understanding is this: the church does not condemn all forms of reproductive assistance, but it does condemn IVF. Up to this point, Josh and I have used hormone therapy (drugs) and timed intercourse to try to conceive, with no success. These acts were supported by the church. From what I can gather, the church is opposed to IVF because it fails to respect the dignity of human life (which by their definition begins at conception) and also violates the sacredness of the sexual act and marriage itself. The babies are “produced” in a laboratory from ovum and sperm obtained outside of a conjugal act (the church considers masturbation an immoral act). Embryos that do not meet a specific quality standard are discarded. Embryos that are not implanted are often frozen or discarded. Unused frozen embryos either die, are discarded, or can be donated. The bottom line is that many unused embryos die. We haven’t decided what we would do if we have embryos left over after we are done having children, but we would consider donating them to science, which would result in their demise. So, I know where the church stands. But I also know what is important to me. This child will be brought into a world of love, it if is conceived by the conjugal act or in a petri dish. Josh and I are believers of science, and we are willing to donate embryos for stem cell research. Hey, the creation story in Genesis is one of my favorite passages in the Bible. But I have studied and believe in evolution. Trust me, I understand the conflict. I don’t want to start any debate, nor do I want to be judged for our decision. This isn’t the first time I haven’t seen eye-to-eye with the Church (another example is our views on same-sex marriage). But you know what? At the end of the day, our child will be loved. Regardless of how it is conceived, it will still be a child of God and welcomed into the church. So at the end of the day, I am comfortable with our decision. (There are pages and pages written on this topic. I realize it’s controversial. Please, do your own research, and try not to berate me for my thoughts that I shared here.)

So, I believe in evolution, and also the importance of natural selection. Why ICSI?
We are doing ICSI because our doctor is recommending it without hesitation. There is a study out there (by a Dr. Lee I believe) that shows that fertilization rates are much higher using ICSI when <4% of the sperm are normally shaped (Josh’s morphology was 5%). In ICSI, a sperm is injected directly into the egg. This obviously circumvents the idea of natural selection – it’s not necessarily the best swimmer that gets there, just a normally-shaped forward moving guy that the embryologist picks. But when you think about it, don’t all forms of ART (assisted reproductive technology) circumvent natural selection? There is understandably a lot of discussion about whether or not ICSI increases the risk for genetic or chromosomal abnormalities. Many studies have been done, and there is no clear answer as to whether using ICSI for fertilization causes increased birth defects in the resulting child. ICSI is fairly popular. Nearly 90% of the IVF cycles done by my clinic in 2009 used ICSI for fertilization (is it obviously preferred by my group of doctors). In 2002 (out-dated, I know), the CDC reported that 53% of IVF cycles used ICSI in the US. The jury is still out on this one, and if there is an increased risk of birth defects, it would seem to be minimal and it is a risk we are willing to take.

OMG the meds! And what is this “no exercising” thing?  I can't run?!?
So, I’m a little nervous about the whole process. I’m nervous to pump my body full of so many hormones. I’m nervous about all the shots: we are looking at 30 injections or so during stims – that we have to do at home, and that doesn’t include the endless number of blood draws I will need. Its not that I’m afraid of needles; I’m mostly afraid of screwing something up. And then, from what I read, stims make you uncomfortable. It won’t really matter if my doctor orders me on restricted activity or not – with ovaries the size of softballs, it doesn’t sound like I’m going to want to be doing a whole lot of exercise anyway (I guess this will just be Baby, Blog for a while). Then there is the egg retrieval, and then the transfer. Ok, so I’m a lot nervous, and maybe even a little scared. I’m trying to prepare for the emotional rollercoaster that I'm sure this will take us on, but I’m not sure there is any way to fully prepare ourselves for this.

Do we transfer one?  Or two?
Oh, man.  As if we didn't have enough decisions to make already.  The chance of multiples increases drastically if we transfer more than one embryo back.  Of course, we would welcome twins.  It really doesn't scare me.  But admittedly, I would prefer to have my children one at a time.  I did find an article that suggests women who only have one embryo transferred during IVF didn't have any less chance of getting pregnant, but they did have a lower risk of multiples.  Right now, our game plan is to transfer one, assuming we have an embryo with the highest quality/grade.  If we have lower grade embryos, then we might decide to transfer two.  I guess nothing is set in stone at this point.  This is a decision we can actually make the day of the transfer when we have all the information, so I'm trying not to dwell on it right now.

Who do we tell? When do we tell?
Infertility is such a hard topic. I get comments all the time about when we are going to have kids or what our plans are. Our friends have kids. I participate in conversations about babies and related things. Honestly, it doesn’t bother me that much. I really try to brush my bitterness about infertility to the side. I like babies and kids. I like holding them, and seeing pictures, and talking about them. I am genuinely happy for all of our friends and acquaintances who have/are expanding their families recently. I don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable by bringing up our issues (most people don’t know what to say in return because it catches them off-guard). But, I’m not close to anyone else who is going though what we are right now. So, I’m on some chat boards on the internet and I use this blog as an outlet.  Sometimes I think it is easier talking with people you don't actually "know."  I have told my mom that we are starting IVF, but I don’t want to share too many details with our family because I still want to be able to surprise them when we find out I am pregnant. It may be selfish, but I dream about ways to share our BFP news with our families – it gets me so excited! At some point though, I might need the added support and I have to accept that.


Well, if you read all of that, you deserve a cookie! I’m sure I’ll have more thoughts in the future. This is going to be an interesting 6 weeks ahead of us, but we are content with the journey we have chosen.  Its sure to be a rollercoaster, but we are hoping for more ups than downs.  Most of all, we are hoping for a baby.