Happy 11 Day

Happy 11-11-11.  Make sure you celebrate at 11:11.

Earlier this year, I plugged the date of my fifth cycle TTC into an EDD (estimated due date) calculator.  If that cycle worked, I would be expecting a baby around November 5th of this year (coincidentally my Dad's birthday).  Knowing that first time moms often go past their due date, Josh and I talked about how neat it would be for our child to have the birth date 11-11-11.  Well, that's not gonna happen.

I wish I didn't remember stuff like this, but I can't help it today.

Black Friday shopping is only two weeks away, so I'm trying to distract myself with gift lists and strategic planning with the help of all the early leaked ads.  What's on your Christmas list this year?  I'm having trouble thinking of much of anything, since all I want is apparently much harder to get than I ever imagined.

Maybe I jinxed it

I was talking myself into pregnancy symptoms this time around.  But then a negative pregnancy test yesterday was confirmed by a blood test today.  Not pregnant.

Exhaustion: Guess I just stayed up too late a few too many night this week watching the Tigers games that started at 8:37 pm and lasted a ridiculous 4 plus hours most of the time
Heartburn: Probably that buffalo chicken wrap that was way spicier than I remember
Lack of breakout: Oh wait, that still happened, just a few days later than usual

I guess that's not that many symptoms after all.  Maybe I jinxed the whole thing, not once but twice:

Last Saturday, I saw a killer deal on Baby Legs - they were offering 75% off a purchase of $75 or more, and shipping is free if you spend over $30.  This is an awesome price on these oh-so-cute little legwarmers that are usually way overpriced at $10-$12 each, so at $2.50-$3, I figured I would stock up.  Guess what showed up on our porch on Friday:

Aren't they so stinking cute?!??  If I don't get a baby soon I might have to try these on Lucy...

And then on Friday, after the pee test but before the news was confirmed by the doctor, I stopped at Target on my way home from work to see if I could get any good deals with the $3 off any Liz Lange maternity item coupons I had.  Look what I found, all for less than $10:

Jeans(!) for $4.48,  khaki shorts for $3.24, and purple racerback tank for $1.98,.  Not bad!!!

So I know that I am ridiculous.  I obviously didn't jinx this non-pregnancy.  And I've spent $40 on pregnancy and baby related things this week (but in my defense, that stuff is worth over $210!!!).  But I've still been crying all night.

I never in a million years thought I would be in this position.  After we were dating for a while, Josh would tell me he wanted 12 kids - Cheaper by the Dozen is still his favorite kid movie.  He was half-joking (I think), but once I told him, "We don't even know if we can have kids together."  (Heck, maybe I jinxed the whole thing back then....)  But I didn't mean it.  Those words haunt me now.  I never really thought we would have a problem.  And here we are, trying to figure out what to do next.

This weekend, Josh and I have to talk about IVF.  Are we ready?  Is that the step we want to take?  We have delayed this decision as long as possible, continuing to try Clomid even though our RE said the likelihood of success was low.  There is the financial side to consider as well. [Ugh, I could write an entire rant about this alone - my friend gets a boob job covered by insurance and it could cost us thousands to conceive a baby.  Viagra is covered by many insurance companies, but Clomid or hCG - not covered.  Ugh!]  It might sound ironic to ask for prayers as we make this decision, given the church's stance on ART and all, but we sure could use them.

nine days

It took me nine days to single-handedly devour this 2,000-calorie jar of Nutella.  Who doesn't love the hazelnutty, chocolatey goodness, right off a spoon (or, on 2 instances, on toast)? 

It's a damn good thing I've run over 60 miles since I opened that jar.

Weirdo.

Or frugal, whatever.  Check out my haul from Target tonight:

2 bottles of 90ct Fish Oil pills - $2.00 each; after raincheck, 2 Target coupons, and 2 manufacturer coupons (reg. $7.49 each)

First Response Ovulation Predictor Kit and Pregnancy Test 3-pack - $8.99 for both; after 2 Target coupons, 2 manufacturer coupons, and buy 1 get 1 free rebate of 12.99, (reg. 29.98 for both)

Clif Shot Blocks - $1.24, on sale from 1.99  -for my run on Saturday since I realized I don't have enough Gu-s in my stash for a 20-miler

1 pair maternity shorts - $3.24; On clearance for $6.24 plus a $3 off any Liz Lange item coupon, (reg 16.99)

Wondering what is going through the cashiers head: vitamins, OPK tests, Pregnancy tests, Pregnancy shorts....  yeah, I know I'm weird.  But it was all such a great deal, its only a coincidence that I bought this stuff in the same shopping trip.

Babies, Babies, Everywhere

I'm sure its because I'm hyper-sensitive to the subject lately, but seriously, I'm reminded of pregnancy and babies ALL.THE.TIME!

Let me run down the past week for you:
-Chick-lit book for our Florida trip (Good In Bed) - a third of the way in, and main character finds herself in the midst of an unplanned pregnancy.  Its worth noting the synopsis on the jacket fails to mention "baby" anywhere.
-Cousin's wedding - one guest has the cutest looking baby bump on display in a figure-hugging long dress, while another couple are toting around an infant carrier holding the most adorable, tiny, couldn't-be-but-a-couple-weeks-old-MAX bundle of pure newborn cuteness.  Josh caught me staring, twice.
-Oh, People.com.  Its seems like every day I want to catch up on Hollywood gossip, and I find out some other celebrity is knocked up.  I realize I only have my self to blame - I'm reading the gossip, and any Hollywood baby is most definitely news.

Hilary Duff and Mike Comrie announced their pregnancy on their 1-year anniversary, I already LOVE Jennifer Garner and her and Ben make beautiful babies, and Cameron is just faking it on the set of her new movie What to Expect When You're Expecting, which I actually want to see when it comes out.

It just seems like there are babies everywhere lately, except in my tummy of course.  I don't want to seem bitter - when friends and acquaintances announce their pregnancies, I am truly happy for them.  I just want it to be our turn so damn bad.

Justin Verlander is Awesome

JV is totally rockin' my world right now.  Hasn't lost since April 27th.  No-hitter against Toronto in May.  Tied for the major-league lead with 11 wins.  All-Star (would probably start for the AL, but he won't be available).  AL Pitcher of the Month for June, where he went 6-0 with a 0.92 ERA.  Wowza.

And for those not watching Tigers games almost every night, have you seen the Justin Verlander capes handed out last Sunday?  I want one!  I would totally wear this while watching JV pitch, just for added luck of course.

To be clear, this isn't Josh, just some random guy named Evan willing to post this pic on the internet.
Oh, and the time stamp on the pic is wrong.  These capes are totally 2011. 

Josh and I do this thing where we predict the Tigers' starting pitcher's line for the game.  We don't do this every night, just sometimes, but we also don't miss too many JV starts.  We just play for bragging rights.  Here are the predictions for tonight:

Tuesday night JV line:
Josh: 8 IP, 1 ER, 4 H, 2 BB, 8 K, No Decision
Nikki: 7 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 8 H, 1 BB, 7 K, Win

And since we are TOTAL weirdos, we thought we would have some fun with Josh's semen analysis that he is going in for tomorrow.  Like I said.... weird.  I know.  But we have to have fun with this somehow.  Guesses were based on the Wikipedia "normal."

Wednesday morning Josh SA line:
Josh: 1.7 mL, 35 mil total sperm, 68% motility, 3% morphology
Nikki: 2.25 mL, 33 mil total sperm, 63% motility, 4% morphology

Both our guesses would put Josh in the normal category, which is what we are going for.  We should get the results on Friday, or at our follow-up appointment on Monday.

Yes, I know..... W.E.I.R.D.

Cycle 9

I cried at work today.  Gah! 

All because I needed these:

And the thing is, I knew it was coming.  My temp dropped this morning, I've had zero symptoms, and I just felt it.  But it was still hard.  Here we go again.  We have a follow-up with the RE on Monday, so hopefully we can determine the protocol for this cycle then.  We should have Josh's SA results by then too, to help with the decision.

Oh, and March 14th?  Its now April 18th. 

The Waiting Game

This was our conversation last night:
Me: Honey, why aren't you the one to bring up having a baby very much anymore?  You used to always initiate the baby conversations.
Josh: I don't have a chance.  Its all you ever talk about.
Me: Oh.

Its amazing how wanting a baby consumes my mind.  I think it has to do with all the waiting.... cycles take so long, this 2-week-wait feels like an eternity and it hasn't even been a week yet, and then in our case, it repeats month after month with a big fat negative.  I have always been somewhat impatient, that is nothing new.  Amazingly, I still have a very optimistic outlook - I am practically planning Baby's first birthday .  (Actually,  last weekend I did essentially plan Baby's baptism for next summer.  You know, if we have a baby in March.  Oy.)  Tonight, I have already done a little reading on breastfeeding (definitely the plan), some cloth diaper research (definitely considering it), and read a few birth stories (that is the one thing I'm NOT planning yet - barely even thinking about it!).

Besides the waiting, I think the hardest part is not really having anyone to talk to about what we are going through.  Very few of our friends have children/are having children yet.  And infertility isn't exactly the type of thing that comes up in conversation.  Its not like I'm walking around wearing this:

And I don't really want to talk to my family too much, cuz I want to surprise them when we do get the good news.  Hence the blog.  Eventually others will read these posts and that is just fine but for now, its my little outlet.

March 14th

Here we are, cycle number 8, and month 14 of TTC.  We have an appointment with our RE later this month, but with the guidance of our OB/GYN we will continue 150 mg Clomid this cycle.  Fingers, toes, everything crossed!

And, since I like to torture myself, I ran the dates.  I can't be the only one who, while TTC, enters the first day of their cycle into the EDD (estimated due date) calculators to find out when baby might arrive, IF we get pregnant this cycle of course.  I get March 7, 2012 if I ovulate on Day 14, but last cycle I ovulated very late (Day 21), so assuming the same happens this cycle, we are looking at a week later.

Then I go through and look at how far along I will be at certain events: 10.5 weeks for my cousin's wedding in Florida in August, 11.5 weeks for Josh's birthday and the Crim 10 mile race (totally do-able), 17 weeks for the Brooksie Way half marathon (very possible), 19 weeks for the Detroit marathon (will probably run the half instead), 24 weeks at Thanksgiving, 28 weeks at Christmas.  If baby comes 2 weeks early, we have a shot at the unlikeliest birthday of all, February 29th.  A few days late, and little one has an Irish birthday.  Either way, I would have a child before I turn 29 on March 31st. 

I've done this too many times before (a few months ago I was looking at a special 11-11-11 birthday), started planning my life around what I might or might not be able to do depending on how pregnant I might be, checking that damn calendar every time a new event arises.  Is it just wishing and hoping?  Am I a serial planner?  Or do I just like the torture of "what-if"?

In about 5 weeks, we'll know for sure....