Its over. My beta today was 2.6.
I'm sad. I'm also angry, frustrated, confused, heartbroken, and I don't know what else. We transferred a perfect blastocyst into my uterus with perfect lining. Everything was textbook. What went wrong? Obviously that little blast tried to implant - I got enough of an hCG rise to detect on a digital test. Did I not rest enough after transfer? Did I bend or twist or lift something a little too heavy? Was the shower too hot? Did I not get enough protein or other nutrients? Geez.... I know all of this is silly, but I can't help but wonder what the heck went wrong. A little Dr. Google informed us that implantation failure is actually the least understood issue with the IVF process. We will probably never get an answer. Success rates aren't 100%, and even though we couldn't have asked for a better cycle, sometimes these things just happen.
I can't describe what it feels like to lose something you never really had. I wonder if it would hurt any less had I not insisted on testing at home. Had we waited for the blood test, we might not have been as shocked by the beta numbers. But then again.... I had 100 times more hope for this cycle than any of the others. So yeah, it probably would have hurt just as much. BFNs suck, and IVF BFNs suck ten times as hard. I hate this. I got my ugly cry on and opened a bottle of my favorite wine from 45 North. The holidays are going to suck, but at least I can drink through them.
The silver lining in all of this is that we also got 10 snowbabies out of this cycle. We should be able to do a frozen embryo transfer (FET) early next year.
I'm not entirely sure whats next. We've stopped all meds. I go in for another blood draw Wed to see if my level is back to zero. I should start my period soon, and I think I can start BCPs and then Lupron for our FET. Hopefully I can run again for a little bit. We have an appointment with the RE on January 3rd to figure out what went wrong and come up with a plan.
So watch out 2012, this is going to be our year. I just can't wait any longer.
Showing posts with label re. Show all posts
Showing posts with label re. Show all posts
Monday, December 19, 2011
Friday, December 16, 2011
Inconclusive
I went in for my beta (blood pregnancy test) this morning. I was in a meeting all afternoon, so it was kind of late by the time I could check my phone. My nurse had left a voicemail to call her back (I already knew they wouldn't leave the results on a VM). So I called back. She said, "26."
My hCG level was 26. This isn't good. Today I am 17dpo (17 days past egg retrieval/ovulation), and 12dp5dt (12 days past 5 day transfer). My level should have been a few hundred. The nurse said that while this is quite a bit lower that what they would have expected, it doesn't give a definitive result. The test was "inconclusive."
I hate that word. Josh keeps trying to remind me that it isn't necessarily bad. But hearing anything other than "You're pregnant!" on the phone today would have been a disappointment.
Maybe I have a "late implanter," or maybe my betas are just slow to rise. I keep trying to think about all of those possibilities. I go in Monday for another beta, hoping to see the number more than double.
This sucks. This sucks so bad. Two days ago we were completely overjoyed. We have plans on how to tell our immediate families at Christmas. My life is running in slow motion. Sometimes I think Monday can't come fast enough because I need to hear that this baby is sticking around.... and then I'm afraid of what we might hear and I don't want Monday to come at all because right now I am pregnant and I don't want it to end.
I guess we are going to spend the weekend trying to distract ourselves with other Christmas activities and trying to not stress out. Oh, and praying. A lot.
I hate that word. Josh keeps trying to remind me that it isn't necessarily bad. But hearing anything other than "You're pregnant!" on the phone today would have been a disappointment.
Maybe I have a "late implanter," or maybe my betas are just slow to rise. I keep trying to think about all of those possibilities. I go in Monday for another beta, hoping to see the number more than double.
This sucks. This sucks so bad. Two days ago we were completely overjoyed. We have plans on how to tell our immediate families at Christmas. My life is running in slow motion. Sometimes I think Monday can't come fast enough because I need to hear that this baby is sticking around.... and then I'm afraid of what we might hear and I don't want Monday to come at all because right now I am pregnant and I don't want it to end.
I guess we are going to spend the weekend trying to distract ourselves with other Christmas activities and trying to not stress out. Oh, and praying. A lot.
Friday, December 9, 2011
Snowbabies!
We have snowbabies! No, I'm not talking about some pretty figure in the snow or a collectible figurine. I am talking about perfect, beautiful frozen embryos.
We are still waiting for the full report (I will pick it up on Monday) regarding quality and specifics, but we found out today that we have TEN embies in the cryo tank waiting for us when needed. Josh and I are hopeful that this is enough to complete our family, but who knows how things will work out. Only the very best blasts are frozen, and it is even possible that they waited until day 6 to freeze them, we will find out in the report. So while we did lose a few of the 19 fertilized eggs we had along the way, we know that the ones that made it are thriving.
~~~~~~
Also, I went in for blood work this morning and found out that while my estrogen level was fine, my progesterone was a tad on the low side (18.5, then like to see it >20). So I need to double my PIO shots. PIO sucks. It stands for Progesterone In Oil, and I take it as an intramuscular shot in my ass each morning. (Josh is literally injecting peanut oil laced with progesterone into my butt.) The oil is supposed to be more effective than suppositories (and less messy), but the issue is that the oil sits on your muscle. It hurts like a bruise, and is just generally annoying. Massaging the area and applying heat help some. I was finally OK with the PIO, then today my RE doubled my dose from 1cc to 2cc/day. Oh well, I'll get over it and Josh will just have to rub my ass a little more.
We are still waiting for the full report (I will pick it up on Monday) regarding quality and specifics, but we found out today that we have TEN embies in the cryo tank waiting for us when needed. Josh and I are hopeful that this is enough to complete our family, but who knows how things will work out. Only the very best blasts are frozen, and it is even possible that they waited until day 6 to freeze them, we will find out in the report. So while we did lose a few of the 19 fertilized eggs we had along the way, we know that the ones that made it are thriving.
~~~~~~
Also, I went in for blood work this morning and found out that while my estrogen level was fine, my progesterone was a tad on the low side (18.5, then like to see it >20). So I need to double my PIO shots. PIO sucks. It stands for Progesterone In Oil, and I take it as an intramuscular shot in my ass each morning. (Josh is literally injecting peanut oil laced with progesterone into my butt.) The oil is supposed to be more effective than suppositories (and less messy), but the issue is that the oil sits on your muscle. It hurts like a bruise, and is just generally annoying. Massaging the area and applying heat help some. I was finally OK with the PIO, then today my RE doubled my dose from 1cc to 2cc/day. Oh well, I'll get over it and Josh will just have to rub my ass a little more.
Sunday, December 4, 2011
Today, I am carrying our baby
Pregnant until proven otherwise, or PUPO as it is known on some message boards I visit.
Today we transferred a single, perfect blastocyst into my perfectly homey uterus to snuggle in for the next nine-ish months. This blast was graded AA - "textbook perfect" my RE called it. Josh and I are over-the-moon thrilled!
We even got to take home a few pics: not many people can say they have a picture of themselves at 5 days post-conception:
Overall, the transfer went very well today. I had to have a full bladder, but I managed to drink just enough for the doctor but not too much to make me uncomfortable. I had to have some blood drawn, and then we just waited around to be called back.
Our RE was very supportive of our decision to only transfer one. It was perfect, and we have more very high quality blasts to freeze for future transfers. Here is the blast is in my uterus after the transfer - yeah, that little white line right there:
After 30 minutes on my back after the procedure, I was sent home on modified bed rest for the next two days - I am to stay off my feet as much as possible. Josh was told to take very good care of me, and he has certainly met that challenge! In addition to taking care of Lucy today, Josh got me lunch, made dinner, baked cookies, and then cleaned up the kitchen. All while I sat of the couch watching On-Demand movies with my feet up. This has never happened before!!! I love you, babe!
How many people does it take to make a baby? In our case, a handful of nurses, the RE, and an embryologist. Oh yeah, and me and Josh :) When we decided we were ready to have a baby, we certainly never expected any of this. We are thrilled to have everything go so smoothly so far, as we know that many couples facing IVF incur many additional challenges along the way. I cannot explain the feeling to know that our baby is possibly {hopefully} growing inside me at this very minute. But I am still trying to be cautious with my optimism. We are numbers people. IVF success rates are not 100%. We are looking at potential success somewhere around 60%, and that would be a little higher had we transferred two. At this point, all I can do is take in easy and wait (while our blast implants and grows). With fingers crossed and lots of prayers.
Today we transferred a single, perfect blastocyst into my perfectly homey uterus to snuggle in for the next nine-ish months. This blast was graded AA - "textbook perfect" my RE called it. Josh and I are over-the-moon thrilled!
We even got to take home a few pics: not many people can say they have a picture of themselves at 5 days post-conception:
This is a picture (I am not sure of the magnification) of the AA-grade blast we transferred
Overall, the transfer went very well today. I had to have a full bladder, but I managed to drink just enough for the doctor but not too much to make me uncomfortable. I had to have some blood drawn, and then we just waited around to be called back.
Josh had to gown up this time as well, since he did get to come back and hold my hand for the entire procedure.
I was pretty anxious. I tried to wear fun socks for all my appointments; the nurses usually comment on how much they enjoy seeing all of the colorful and patterned socks people wear. You know, since that is ALL we are allowed to wear.
Our RE was very supportive of our decision to only transfer one. It was perfect, and we have more very high quality blasts to freeze for future transfers. Here is the blast is in my uterus after the transfer - yeah, that little white line right there:
Yes!! Baby inside!
After 30 minutes on my back after the procedure, I was sent home on modified bed rest for the next two days - I am to stay off my feet as much as possible. Josh was told to take very good care of me, and he has certainly met that challenge! In addition to taking care of Lucy today, Josh got me lunch, made dinner, baked cookies, and then cleaned up the kitchen. All while I sat of the couch watching On-Demand movies with my feet up. This has never happened before!!! I love you, babe!
How many people does it take to make a baby? In our case, a handful of nurses, the RE, and an embryologist. Oh yeah, and me and Josh :) When we decided we were ready to have a baby, we certainly never expected any of this. We are thrilled to have everything go so smoothly so far, as we know that many couples facing IVF incur many additional challenges along the way. I cannot explain the feeling to know that our baby is possibly {hopefully} growing inside me at this very minute. But I am still trying to be cautious with my optimism. We are numbers people. IVF success rates are not 100%. We are looking at potential success somewhere around 60%, and that would be a little higher had we transferred two. At this point, all I can do is take in easy and wait (while our blast implants and grows). With fingers crossed and lots of prayers.
Friday, December 2, 2011
Transfer time, and one final question
My nurse called this afternoon, and our transfer is set for 9:45am on Sunday. Eek! It is so weird to think that in two days, I will be pregnant, and that I know this piece of information.
I have been thinking about our embryos every day. I pray they are growing strong. I hope that all of the cells continue to multiply each day and that they are high enough quality to freeze.
And at home, the debate rages on: 1 or 2? How many should we transfer? Josh and I have discussed this from the day we decided to pursue IVF. We started out saying that if we had one of the highest possible quality blastocysts and were doing a day 5 transfer, we would transfer one beautiful blast. We are pretty sure our RE is going to recommend transferring two - he has a pretty aggressive approach to this process and he is a statistics guy. I think (though I can't confirm either way) that the numbers show a slightly higher success rate when transferring more than one blast. And put it this way, would we rather be pregnant with two babies or zero? Well, that answer is easy (two). But, we would still prefer a singleton pregnancy. We will have more children in the future, so its not that we don't want more than one. Josh and I are both on the same page on this one, just neither of us are sure what our final decision will be. This is going to be a game time decision - we need to see exactly what quality blasts we are working with and talk to the doctor. Then, we will just have to follow our hearts.
I have been thinking about our embryos every day. I pray they are growing strong. I hope that all of the cells continue to multiply each day and that they are high enough quality to freeze.
And at home, the debate rages on: 1 or 2? How many should we transfer? Josh and I have discussed this from the day we decided to pursue IVF. We started out saying that if we had one of the highest possible quality blastocysts and were doing a day 5 transfer, we would transfer one beautiful blast. We are pretty sure our RE is going to recommend transferring two - he has a pretty aggressive approach to this process and he is a statistics guy. I think (though I can't confirm either way) that the numbers show a slightly higher success rate when transferring more than one blast. And put it this way, would we rather be pregnant with two babies or zero? Well, that answer is easy (two). But, we would still prefer a singleton pregnancy. We will have more children in the future, so its not that we don't want more than one. Josh and I are both on the same page on this one, just neither of us are sure what our final decision will be. This is going to be a game time decision - we need to see exactly what quality blasts we are working with and talk to the doctor. Then, we will just have to follow our hearts.
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Egg Retrieval day
Today me and Lucy had our surgeries. Things went REALLY well for both of us!!!
Lets start with the egg retrieval. We triggered at midnight on Sunday for our noon appointment today. I wasn't allowed to eat anything after midnight last night, so I stayed up late (for me) and had a nice little meal at about 11:45pm. Then we slept in a little bit and left early to make a few quick shopping stops (an exchange, and to get some diet food for puppy) before getting to the REs office at 11:30. We had to go to the Rochester campus, which is about 90 minutes away.
I got called back fairly quickly, changed, and a nurse prepped my IV. Believe it or not, this was not only my first time under any kind on anesthesia, but it was also my first IV ever.
They took my into the operating room, and Josh went off to do his thing. He said the resources here were better than last time, I think he described them as "acceptable." Lucky man, they even had videos.
Random tangent: There are some things about this process that suck, and there are other things you just get over. The emotionally toll everything takes will never get old. Needles and shots - I'm over it. Doesn't bother me in the slightest anymore. Laying on a table half naked with your legs spread in the air in front of a room full of people - I'm kind of over that too. A little scary, I know.
So anyway, the nurse walks me into the OR and gets me situated on the table. After the embryologist, RE, and anesthesiologist check my wrist-band to make sure they have the right person, I get a dose of the anesthesia. I remember a nurse focusing a huge light on my crotch, then nothing. I was out in literally seconds. The next thing I knew, I was waking up in a recovery room.
Josh was still doing his thing (he had to wait a bit to go back, and my procedure only took about 20 minutes), so I just laid there in a dazed state for a while. Soon Josh was sitting next to me again, and we talked for a bit. Eventually I got some juice and crackers to munch on, and then they delivered the news:
Lets start with the egg retrieval. We triggered at midnight on Sunday for our noon appointment today. I wasn't allowed to eat anything after midnight last night, so I stayed up late (for me) and had a nice little meal at about 11:45pm. Then we slept in a little bit and left early to make a few quick shopping stops (an exchange, and to get some diet food for puppy) before getting to the REs office at 11:30. We had to go to the Rochester campus, which is about 90 minutes away.
I got called back fairly quickly, changed, and a nurse prepped my IV. Believe it or not, this was not only my first time under any kind on anesthesia, but it was also my first IV ever.
Everything crossed (pre-IV). Hoping for a great retrieval!
They took my into the operating room, and Josh went off to do his thing. He said the resources here were better than last time, I think he described them as "acceptable." Lucky man, they even had videos.
Random tangent: There are some things about this process that suck, and there are other things you just get over. The emotionally toll everything takes will never get old. Needles and shots - I'm over it. Doesn't bother me in the slightest anymore. Laying on a table half naked with your legs spread in the air in front of a room full of people - I'm kind of over that too. A little scary, I know.
So anyway, the nurse walks me into the OR and gets me situated on the table. After the embryologist, RE, and anesthesiologist check my wrist-band to make sure they have the right person, I get a dose of the anesthesia. I remember a nurse focusing a huge light on my crotch, then nothing. I was out in literally seconds. The next thing I knew, I was waking up in a recovery room.
Josh was still doing his thing (he had to wait a bit to go back, and my procedure only took about 20 minutes), so I just laid there in a dazed state for a while. Soon Josh was sitting next to me again, and we talked for a bit. Eventually I got some juice and crackers to munch on, and then they delivered the news:
27 eggs!
We were THRILLED. Thank you, rock-star ovaries. Thank you.
That is just so awesome. We were hoping to get about 20, which would have been amazing, but 27 just made our day. Now I'm definitely feeling it. I was reminded again that the more eggs they take out, the higher the risk of OHSS. So I just really need to take it easy these next couple days.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On the way home, we got an update on puppy. Her surgery went beautifully too!! She was recovering well and awake. The vet expects a full recovery :)
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Meet me in the parking lot
I had to go in for my last monitoring appointment today - yes, on a Sunday. The RE wanted to check my progress one last time. I met my nurse in the parking lot - she had to let me into the building since the doors were locked, and then we headed up to the office.
Everything looks good. She still measured 13 follies on the right, many of which were 20mm or bigger. She measured 11 follies on the left, but some weren't even 14mm yet, so she wasn't sure how many of those would mature by the retrieval. Overall, I am hoping we get somewhere around 20 eggs, which would be amazing!
Our retrieval time is noon on Tuesday, which means we trigger at midnight tonight!
Everything looks good. She still measured 13 follies on the right, many of which were 20mm or bigger. She measured 11 follies on the left, but some weren't even 14mm yet, so she wasn't sure how many of those would mature by the retrieval. Overall, I am hoping we get somewhere around 20 eggs, which would be amazing!
Our retrieval time is noon on Tuesday, which means we trigger at midnight tonight!
Saturday, November 26, 2011
Go Blue, Beat OSU!
I squeezed in a few last workouts this week. I got a nice and easy run in on Monday, and then on Tuesday I just did some easy weights in the gym at lunch. Tuesday night was day 5 of stims. I don't want to push it, so I'm done. No more exercise (beyond walking) until I am cleared by my doctor, which will be sometime in January if I'm lucky, but more likely February. :( (My RE is very conservative with IVF pregnancies, and I will be in his care for the first trimester.)
Su 11/20: rest
M 11/21: 4.06 easy, 37:16, 9:11 pace
Tu 11/22: 30:00 min free weights on the balance ball (8 upper body exercises, 10-15 reps, 3 sets), 2x1:00 planks
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Now on to the real excitement of the weekend - its the BIG game! Michigan vs. Ohio State, one of the best rivalries in college football. Except, it hasn't been very interesting lately. Michigan hasn't won since 2006. Its about time! So, thats how I plan to spend my afternoon. Let's Go Blue!
Update: Not bad, my highest score of the year. I'm still in third, but only 1 measly point out of second with one week to go.
Su 11/20: rest
M 11/21: 4.06 easy, 37:16, 9:11 pace
Tu 11/22: 30:00 min free weights on the balance ball (8 upper body exercises, 10-15 reps, 3 sets), 2x1:00 planks
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Now on to the real excitement of the weekend - its the BIG game! Michigan vs. Ohio State, one of the best rivalries in college football. Except, it hasn't been very interesting lately. Michigan hasn't won since 2006. Its about time! So, thats how I plan to spend my afternoon. Let's Go Blue!
10 pts: Oregon over Oregon St
9 pts: Stanford over Notre Dame
8 pts: Michigan over Ohio St
7 pts: Wisconsin over Penn St
6 pts: Michigan St over Northwestern
5 pts: Georgia over Georgia Tech
4 pts; Virginia Tech over Virginia
3 pts: Rutgers over Connecticut
2 pts: Florida St over Florida
1 pt: South Carolina over Clemson
Update: Not bad, my highest score of the year. I'm still in third, but only 1 measly point out of second with one week to go.
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
So far, so good
I had my first monitoring appointment today, after 5 days of stims (today is the morning of day 6 but I take my shots at night). Things seem to be moving right along!
The nurse started looking at my left ovary, and was a tad concerned. She measured 7 follies, nothing was larger than 8mm. She thought I may need to up my meds. Then she looked at the right... Jackpot! She measured 11 follies on the right, all between 8 and 14mm. She is guessing we will stay on course, pending blood work results, and come in for another check on Friday. But as for now.... so far, so good!
I wore some fun socks. Maybe these will be my lucky socks this cycle!
The nurse started looking at my left ovary, and was a tad concerned. She measured 7 follies, nothing was larger than 8mm. She thought I may need to up my meds. Then she looked at the right... Jackpot! She measured 11 follies on the right, all between 8 and 14mm. She is guessing we will stay on course, pending blood work results, and come in for another check on Friday. But as for now.... so far, so good!
Friday, November 18, 2011
Good thing I'm not trypanophobic (afraid of needles)
Today I went in for my baseline ultrasound, and everything looked good. No cysts, so we are good to start stims (meds to stimulate my ovaries to produce more than one lead follicle/egg) tonight.
My baseline blood work (for my records):
Estrogen: 36
FSH: 2.1
LH 0.9
Progesterone: <0.2
And tonight, shot time. I am rather lucky in that I can mix my meds (4 vials) all into one shot. Some ladies have to take many shots a day, I have one short skinny needle that I can stick in the flabby part of my stomach (sub-cutaneous). Not bad at all.
It took me about 15 minutes tonight, but I was reading the instructions every step of the way. Josh handles all the shots that go in my ass, but I figure I would handle these. It wasn't so bad, and I'm sure I will get more efficient at it. I've never given myself a shot before, but once I got over the initial hesitation, everything was fine. Only 9 (or maybe less) more nights to go! (Of stims. I think I will be getting a shot every day for the next two months or so...)
My baseline blood work (for my records):
Estrogen: 36
FSH: 2.1
LH 0.9
Progesterone: <0.2
And tonight, shot time. I am rather lucky in that I can mix my meds (4 vials) all into one shot. Some ladies have to take many shots a day, I have one short skinny needle that I can stick in the flabby part of my stomach (sub-cutaneous). Not bad at all.
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
IVF "training"
Today we went in for our "nurse's appointment" for IVF. Some clinics make you go through a class or training, ours does a private 1-hour session with the nurse. Love this.
This is going to be a fairly boring post, but I do want to document our visits and protocol this time around.
Our nurse started out discussing our protocol with us: I will get a shot of Lupron Depot for suppression today. The Lupron will prevent me from ovulating on my own during the IVF cycle. My RE uses this depot shot, which means I will only need 1 shot (vs. a daily dose) and there is a delayed release of the medicine. This doesn't appear to be a very popular protocol from my research, but my RE uses it exclusively in long-Lupron protocols and has great success. And, who am I to complain about a few less shots at home?
After I start my period next week, I will go in for a baseline ultrasound and blood work to verify I don't have any cysts and check my estrogen level, among other things. Then I start "stims" - I will be on 150iu (2 vials each) of Bravelle - a follicle stimulating hormone - and Menopur - which stimulates FSH and luteinizing hormone (LH). I can combine these 4 vials into one shot which is great. I will have to give myself a shot in the belly for 10 days, while they monitor my progress via blood work and ultrasound on days 5/7/9.
Then, when my follicles are ready, I will take a shot of hCG to trigger ovulation and go in for egg retrieval 36 hours later. The mature eggs will be fertilized via ICSI, and then we will go in for blastocyst transfer 5 days after the retrieval. I will be under anesthesia for the ER (technically sedation), but awake for the transfer. While they are doing the ER procedure, Josh goes to give his sample. Both of these visits take place in the Rochester office (still performed by my RE), which is about an hour and 15 minutes drive for us. Oddly enough, its only about 2 miles from my brother and sister-in-laws house.
Whew. That was long, sorry. But that is nothing compared to all the paperwork we had to sign. Obviously we we made aware of all the fees - sign. How many embryos are we willing to transfer - sign. What about selective reduction - sign. And should we both die while we still have embryos frozen, what happens to them (what? now we need to work on a will) - sign. Willing to use donor sperm (no) - sign. And I think there were a few more pages too, but this was heavy shit. It definitely feels all grown up and real now.
We learned some cool things: like if I am pregnant, I will be monitored by blood work and ultrasound every other week through the first trimester. That's 5-6 ultrasounds! Many women don't get to see their baby that many times in their whole pregnancy! Definitely one of the few pluses to IVF.
And we learned some not-so-cool things: like I am on activity restriction not only through the IVF procedure, but throughout the entire first trimester!! Yikes! What exactly am I allowed to do? Walking and prenatal yoga. Wow, I'm gonna be bored! Apparently not only is the risk of OHSS high after ER, but that risk persists for a while since my follicles are likely to re-fill with fluid, leaving my ovaries large for a while until it can all drain. The risk of doing too much activity is torsion - the ovaries can twist since they are free-floating in the abdomen which has serious complications. So, I guess I'm officially sidielined for what I hope is approximately 3 months.
After all of that, the nurse showed us how to mix our injections. I brought our box-o-meds, so she went through all of it with us. It will take a little time, but it doesn't seem so bad. Then she gave me my shot of Lupron, and off we went.
My emotions are definitely a little all over the place today. Nervous, excited, scared, anxious. But mostly, I'm hopeful for what will be waiting for us at the end of this crazy journey.
This is going to be a fairly boring post, but I do want to document our visits and protocol this time around.
Our nurse started out discussing our protocol with us: I will get a shot of Lupron Depot for suppression today. The Lupron will prevent me from ovulating on my own during the IVF cycle. My RE uses this depot shot, which means I will only need 1 shot (vs. a daily dose) and there is a delayed release of the medicine. This doesn't appear to be a very popular protocol from my research, but my RE uses it exclusively in long-Lupron protocols and has great success. And, who am I to complain about a few less shots at home?
After I start my period next week, I will go in for a baseline ultrasound and blood work to verify I don't have any cysts and check my estrogen level, among other things. Then I start "stims" - I will be on 150iu (2 vials each) of Bravelle - a follicle stimulating hormone - and Menopur - which stimulates FSH and luteinizing hormone (LH). I can combine these 4 vials into one shot which is great. I will have to give myself a shot in the belly for 10 days, while they monitor my progress via blood work and ultrasound on days 5/7/9.
Then, when my follicles are ready, I will take a shot of hCG to trigger ovulation and go in for egg retrieval 36 hours later. The mature eggs will be fertilized via ICSI, and then we will go in for blastocyst transfer 5 days after the retrieval. I will be under anesthesia for the ER (technically sedation), but awake for the transfer. While they are doing the ER procedure, Josh goes to give his sample. Both of these visits take place in the Rochester office (still performed by my RE), which is about an hour and 15 minutes drive for us. Oddly enough, its only about 2 miles from my brother and sister-in-laws house.
Whew. That was long, sorry. But that is nothing compared to all the paperwork we had to sign. Obviously we we made aware of all the fees - sign. How many embryos are we willing to transfer - sign. What about selective reduction - sign. And should we both die while we still have embryos frozen, what happens to them (what? now we need to work on a will) - sign. Willing to use donor sperm (no) - sign. And I think there were a few more pages too, but this was heavy shit. It definitely feels all grown up and real now.
We learned some cool things: like if I am pregnant, I will be monitored by blood work and ultrasound every other week through the first trimester. That's 5-6 ultrasounds! Many women don't get to see their baby that many times in their whole pregnancy! Definitely one of the few pluses to IVF.
And we learned some not-so-cool things: like I am on activity restriction not only through the IVF procedure, but throughout the entire first trimester!! Yikes! What exactly am I allowed to do? Walking and prenatal yoga. Wow, I'm gonna be bored! Apparently not only is the risk of OHSS high after ER, but that risk persists for a while since my follicles are likely to re-fill with fluid, leaving my ovaries large for a while until it can all drain. The risk of doing too much activity is torsion - the ovaries can twist since they are free-floating in the abdomen which has serious complications. So, I guess I'm officially sidielined for what I hope is approximately 3 months.
After all of that, the nurse showed us how to mix our injections. I brought our box-o-meds, so she went through all of it with us. It will take a little time, but it doesn't seem so bad. Then she gave me my shot of Lupron, and off we went.
My emotions are definitely a little all over the place today. Nervous, excited, scared, anxious. But mostly, I'm hopeful for what will be waiting for us at the end of this crazy journey.
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Green light
We passed one last hurdle this week, and have the green light to proceed with our IVF cycle.
On Monday I went in for an SHG (sonohystogram) and what they call a "mock-transfer." The SHG was done to make sure there were no abnormalities in my uterus that would prevent a viable pregnancy. My RE inserted a catheter with a balloon into my cervix, and then filled my uterus with saline. Nothing abnormal there, yea! The mock-transfer only took a few seconds afterward. Since embryos are so fragile, the doctor wants to make she he will have no trouble transferring them. Se he "practiced" with the same type of catheter they use during the embryo transfer just to make sure everything went smoothly. No problems there either! The whole procedure took less than 5 minutes. I felt a little bit of cramping, but no significant pain. I went back to work after and did a 4 mile run in the afternoon, so it didn't keep me off my feet at all.
At this point, I am very nervous about this cycle. I am pretty scared about all of the meds and hormones and how I will react (and how Josh will react to how I react) and how uncomfortable I might be. It will all be worth it in the end, though. I want this baby more than anything and I will do whatever I have to at this point to make that happen. I am also keeping a very positive outlook and am excited. I try to hold onto those positive thoughts to get me though.
On Monday I went in for an SHG (sonohystogram) and what they call a "mock-transfer." The SHG was done to make sure there were no abnormalities in my uterus that would prevent a viable pregnancy. My RE inserted a catheter with a balloon into my cervix, and then filled my uterus with saline. Nothing abnormal there, yea! The mock-transfer only took a few seconds afterward. Since embryos are so fragile, the doctor wants to make she he will have no trouble transferring them. Se he "practiced" with the same type of catheter they use during the embryo transfer just to make sure everything went smoothly. No problems there either! The whole procedure took less than 5 minutes. I felt a little bit of cramping, but no significant pain. I went back to work after and did a 4 mile run in the afternoon, so it didn't keep me off my feet at all.
At this point, I am very nervous about this cycle. I am pretty scared about all of the meds and hormones and how I will react (and how Josh will react to how I react) and how uncomfortable I might be. It will all be worth it in the end, though. I want this baby more than anything and I will do whatever I have to at this point to make that happen. I am also keeping a very positive outlook and am excited. I try to hold onto those positive thoughts to get me though.
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
We've Decided
For whatever reason, I’ve been putting off writing this post. It’s been hard to get my thoughts on this into a concrete format. (Warning: I captured my thoughts. This post is LONG.)
Now that the marathon is over, it is time to switch our focus back to Baby, which has become an entirely different kind of marathon. After our failed September cycle, Josh and I agreed that it made sense to take the next cycle off: it would allow me to run the marathon worry-free, and we could get our heads straight about our next steps.
After 18 months of trying and 12 failed cycles, we have decided to pursue in vitro fertilization.
Josh and I went it for a consult with our RE on Monday. After waiting an hour to see the guy, it was a pretty quick meeting. Our RE has pointed us in this direction all along, but we wanted to take baby steps to get here. He filled out the paperwork, and moved us to another room where we spent the next hour or so talking with a nurse and then with someone from the office about the finances of the procedure.
We will be doing in vitro fertilization (IVF) with intra cytoplasmic sperm injection (ICSI). In short, I will be on some meds to manipulate my cycle and hyper-stimulate my ovaries. I will go in for an egg retrieval procedure, where mature eggs are extracted from their follicles while I am sedated. With ICSI, Josh’s sperm will be injected directly into each egg for fertilization. After 5 days, we will pick the best embryo (or two) to transfer back to my uterus. Then we pray the embryo implants and gets cozy. This whole process will take about 6 weeks.
So much is going through my head, I’ve had a LOT to think about over the past few weeks. I wanted to document some of my thought streams. They might not all make sense, some of the thoughts are incomplete, and I may have left out some important information, so bear with me.
How did we get to this point?? Have we tried everything? Is IVF the next logical step? Is it the right step for us?
We have tried ovulation stimulation, and it worked. I did ovulate. But coupled with the slight MFI factor, I’m not pregnant. The next step could be injectable meds (like the ones they use for stims during IVF), which would hyper-stimulate my ovaries and give us more targets (eggs) for fertilization each month. BUT, there is a much higher chance of multiples with this treatment (and higher-order multiples), and we would have to be willing to pursue selective reduction if it became necessary. We don’t want to go there if we can avoid it. Also – and I HATE that money is driving any of our decisions – injectable meds are VERY expensive (like $2,500 per cycle just for the meds), and our chances of success only go up a few percentage points. While I am grateful we have some insurance coverage, its minimal ($15,000 lifetime) and we would rather use the coverage we have to try a procedure with a higher success rate. We could try intra-uterine insemination (IUI), but we would have to be on expensive meds for those cycles too (since I’ve used up my lifetime Clomid cycles), and once again the likelihood of success isn’t that much higher than what we have been doing. If we had unlimited insurance coverage, we might try injectables+IUI, but those cycles would burn through our current coverage relatively quickly and we want a baby. (We are talking success rates in the range of 8-14% for IUI to 53% for IVF). So IVF does make sense for us. And at this point, we both believe it is the right next step, but that doesn’t change the fact that I never thought we would be in this position.
How do I reconcile this with God? Can a baby created by IVF still be baptized in the Catholic Church?
I am admittedly not the best Catholic, but I still go to Church, and I believe in God and Jesus Christ. I have done some reading to educate myself, and I have read some conflicting documents. My overall understanding is this: the church does not condemn all forms of reproductive assistance, but it does condemn IVF. Up to this point, Josh and I have used hormone therapy (drugs) and timed intercourse to try to conceive, with no success. These acts were supported by the church. From what I can gather, the church is opposed to IVF because it fails to respect the dignity of human life (which by their definition begins at conception) and also violates the sacredness of the sexual act and marriage itself. The babies are “produced” in a laboratory from ovum and sperm obtained outside of a conjugal act (the church considers masturbation an immoral act). Embryos that do not meet a specific quality standard are discarded. Embryos that are not implanted are often frozen or discarded. Unused frozen embryos either die, are discarded, or can be donated. The bottom line is that many unused embryos die. We haven’t decided what we would do if we have embryos left over after we are done having children, but we would consider donating them to science, which would result in their demise. So, I know where the church stands. But I also know what is important to me. This child will be brought into a world of love, it if is conceived by the conjugal act or in a petri dish. Josh and I are believers of science, and we are willing to donate embryos for stem cell research. Hey, the creation story in Genesis is one of my favorite passages in the Bible. But I have studied and believe in evolution. Trust me, I understand the conflict. I don’t want to start any debate, nor do I want to be judged for our decision. This isn’t the first time I haven’t seen eye-to-eye with the Church (another example is our views on same-sex marriage). But you know what? At the end of the day, our child will be loved. Regardless of how it is conceived, it will still be a child of God and welcomed into the church. So at the end of the day, I am comfortable with our decision. (There are pages and pages written on this topic. I realize it’s controversial. Please, do your own research, and try not to berate me for my thoughts that I shared here.)
So, I believe in evolution, and also the importance of natural selection. Why ICSI?
We are doing ICSI because our doctor is recommending it without hesitation. There is a study out there (by a Dr. Lee I believe) that shows that fertilization rates are much higher using ICSI when <4% of the sperm are normally shaped (Josh’s morphology was 5%). In ICSI, a sperm is injected directly into the egg. This obviously circumvents the idea of natural selection – it’s not necessarily the best swimmer that gets there, just a normally-shaped forward moving guy that the embryologist picks. But when you think about it, don’t all forms of ART (assisted reproductive technology) circumvent natural selection? There is understandably a lot of discussion about whether or not ICSI increases the risk for genetic or chromosomal abnormalities. Many studies have been done, and there is no clear answer as to whether using ICSI for fertilization causes increased birth defects in the resulting child. ICSI is fairly popular. Nearly 90% of the IVF cycles done by my clinic in 2009 used ICSI for fertilization (is it obviously preferred by my group of doctors). In 2002 (out-dated, I know), the CDC reported that 53% of IVF cycles used ICSI in the US. The jury is still out on this one, and if there is an increased risk of birth defects, it would seem to be minimal and it is a risk we are willing to take.
OMG the meds! And what is this “no exercising” thing? I can't run?!?
So, I’m a little nervous about the whole process. I’m nervous to pump my body full of so many hormones. I’m nervous about all the shots: we are looking at 30 injections or so during stims – that we have to do at home, and that doesn’t include the endless number of blood draws I will need. Its not that I’m afraid of needles; I’m mostly afraid of screwing something up. And then, from what I read, stims make you uncomfortable. It won’t really matter if my doctor orders me on restricted activity or not – with ovaries the size of softballs, it doesn’t sound like I’m going to want to be doing a whole lot of exercise anyway (I guess this will just be Baby, Blog for a while). Then there is the egg retrieval, and then the transfer. Ok, so I’m a lot nervous, and maybe even a little scared. I’m trying to prepare for the emotional rollercoaster that I'm sure this will take us on, but I’m not sure there is any way to fully prepare ourselves for this.
Do we transfer one? Or two?
Oh, man. As if we didn't have enough decisions to make already. The chance of multiples increases drastically if we transfer more than one embryo back. Of course, we would welcome twins. It really doesn't scare me. But admittedly, I would prefer to have my children one at a time. I did find an article that suggests women who only have one embryo transferred during IVF didn't have any less chance of getting pregnant, but they did have a lower risk of multiples. Right now, our game plan is to transfer one, assuming we have an embryo with the highest quality/grade. If we have lower grade embryos, then we might decide to transfer two. I guess nothing is set in stone at this point. This is a decision we can actually make the day of the transfer when we have all the information, so I'm trying not to dwell on it right now.
Who do we tell? When do we tell?
Infertility is such a hard topic. I get comments all the time about when we are going to have kids or what our plans are. Our friends have kids. I participate in conversations about babies and related things. Honestly, it doesn’t bother me that much. I really try to brush my bitterness about infertility to the side. I like babies and kids. I like holding them, and seeing pictures, and talking about them. I am genuinely happy for all of our friends and acquaintances who have/are expanding their families recently. I don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable by bringing up our issues (most people don’t know what to say in return because it catches them off-guard). But, I’m not close to anyone else who is going though what we are right now. So, I’m on some chat boards on the internet and I use this blog as an outlet. Sometimes I think it is easier talking with people you don't actually "know." I have told my mom that we are starting IVF, but I don’t want to share too many details with our family because I still want to be able to surprise them when we find out I am pregnant. It may be selfish, but I dream about ways to share our BFP news with our families – it gets me so excited! At some point though, I might need the added support and I have to accept that.
Well, if you read all of that, you deserve a cookie! I’m sure I’ll have more thoughts in the future. This is going to be an interesting 6 weeks ahead of us, but we are content with the journey we have chosen. Its sure to be a rollercoaster, but we are hoping for more ups than downs. Most of all, we are hoping for a baby.
Now that the marathon is over, it is time to switch our focus back to Baby, which has become an entirely different kind of marathon. After our failed September cycle, Josh and I agreed that it made sense to take the next cycle off: it would allow me to run the marathon worry-free, and we could get our heads straight about our next steps.
After 18 months of trying and 12 failed cycles, we have decided to pursue in vitro fertilization.
Josh and I went it for a consult with our RE on Monday. After waiting an hour to see the guy, it was a pretty quick meeting. Our RE has pointed us in this direction all along, but we wanted to take baby steps to get here. He filled out the paperwork, and moved us to another room where we spent the next hour or so talking with a nurse and then with someone from the office about the finances of the procedure.
We will be doing in vitro fertilization (IVF) with intra cytoplasmic sperm injection (ICSI). In short, I will be on some meds to manipulate my cycle and hyper-stimulate my ovaries. I will go in for an egg retrieval procedure, where mature eggs are extracted from their follicles while I am sedated. With ICSI, Josh’s sperm will be injected directly into each egg for fertilization. After 5 days, we will pick the best embryo (or two) to transfer back to my uterus. Then we pray the embryo implants and gets cozy. This whole process will take about 6 weeks.
So much is going through my head, I’ve had a LOT to think about over the past few weeks. I wanted to document some of my thought streams. They might not all make sense, some of the thoughts are incomplete, and I may have left out some important information, so bear with me.
How did we get to this point?? Have we tried everything? Is IVF the next logical step? Is it the right step for us?
We have tried ovulation stimulation, and it worked. I did ovulate. But coupled with the slight MFI factor, I’m not pregnant. The next step could be injectable meds (like the ones they use for stims during IVF), which would hyper-stimulate my ovaries and give us more targets (eggs) for fertilization each month. BUT, there is a much higher chance of multiples with this treatment (and higher-order multiples), and we would have to be willing to pursue selective reduction if it became necessary. We don’t want to go there if we can avoid it. Also – and I HATE that money is driving any of our decisions – injectable meds are VERY expensive (like $2,500 per cycle just for the meds), and our chances of success only go up a few percentage points. While I am grateful we have some insurance coverage, its minimal ($15,000 lifetime) and we would rather use the coverage we have to try a procedure with a higher success rate. We could try intra-uterine insemination (IUI), but we would have to be on expensive meds for those cycles too (since I’ve used up my lifetime Clomid cycles), and once again the likelihood of success isn’t that much higher than what we have been doing. If we had unlimited insurance coverage, we might try injectables+IUI, but those cycles would burn through our current coverage relatively quickly and we want a baby. (We are talking success rates in the range of 8-14% for IUI to 53% for IVF). So IVF does make sense for us. And at this point, we both believe it is the right next step, but that doesn’t change the fact that I never thought we would be in this position.
How do I reconcile this with God? Can a baby created by IVF still be baptized in the Catholic Church?
I am admittedly not the best Catholic, but I still go to Church, and I believe in God and Jesus Christ. I have done some reading to educate myself, and I have read some conflicting documents. My overall understanding is this: the church does not condemn all forms of reproductive assistance, but it does condemn IVF. Up to this point, Josh and I have used hormone therapy (drugs) and timed intercourse to try to conceive, with no success. These acts were supported by the church. From what I can gather, the church is opposed to IVF because it fails to respect the dignity of human life (which by their definition begins at conception) and also violates the sacredness of the sexual act and marriage itself. The babies are “produced” in a laboratory from ovum and sperm obtained outside of a conjugal act (the church considers masturbation an immoral act). Embryos that do not meet a specific quality standard are discarded. Embryos that are not implanted are often frozen or discarded. Unused frozen embryos either die, are discarded, or can be donated. The bottom line is that many unused embryos die. We haven’t decided what we would do if we have embryos left over after we are done having children, but we would consider donating them to science, which would result in their demise. So, I know where the church stands. But I also know what is important to me. This child will be brought into a world of love, it if is conceived by the conjugal act or in a petri dish. Josh and I are believers of science, and we are willing to donate embryos for stem cell research. Hey, the creation story in Genesis is one of my favorite passages in the Bible. But I have studied and believe in evolution. Trust me, I understand the conflict. I don’t want to start any debate, nor do I want to be judged for our decision. This isn’t the first time I haven’t seen eye-to-eye with the Church (another example is our views on same-sex marriage). But you know what? At the end of the day, our child will be loved. Regardless of how it is conceived, it will still be a child of God and welcomed into the church. So at the end of the day, I am comfortable with our decision. (There are pages and pages written on this topic. I realize it’s controversial. Please, do your own research, and try not to berate me for my thoughts that I shared here.)
So, I believe in evolution, and also the importance of natural selection. Why ICSI?
We are doing ICSI because our doctor is recommending it without hesitation. There is a study out there (by a Dr. Lee I believe) that shows that fertilization rates are much higher using ICSI when <4% of the sperm are normally shaped (Josh’s morphology was 5%). In ICSI, a sperm is injected directly into the egg. This obviously circumvents the idea of natural selection – it’s not necessarily the best swimmer that gets there, just a normally-shaped forward moving guy that the embryologist picks. But when you think about it, don’t all forms of ART (assisted reproductive technology) circumvent natural selection? There is understandably a lot of discussion about whether or not ICSI increases the risk for genetic or chromosomal abnormalities. Many studies have been done, and there is no clear answer as to whether using ICSI for fertilization causes increased birth defects in the resulting child. ICSI is fairly popular. Nearly 90% of the IVF cycles done by my clinic in 2009 used ICSI for fertilization (is it obviously preferred by my group of doctors). In 2002 (out-dated, I know), the CDC reported that 53% of IVF cycles used ICSI in the US. The jury is still out on this one, and if there is an increased risk of birth defects, it would seem to be minimal and it is a risk we are willing to take.
OMG the meds! And what is this “no exercising” thing? I can't run?!?
So, I’m a little nervous about the whole process. I’m nervous to pump my body full of so many hormones. I’m nervous about all the shots: we are looking at 30 injections or so during stims – that we have to do at home, and that doesn’t include the endless number of blood draws I will need. Its not that I’m afraid of needles; I’m mostly afraid of screwing something up. And then, from what I read, stims make you uncomfortable. It won’t really matter if my doctor orders me on restricted activity or not – with ovaries the size of softballs, it doesn’t sound like I’m going to want to be doing a whole lot of exercise anyway (I guess this will just be Baby, Blog for a while). Then there is the egg retrieval, and then the transfer. Ok, so I’m a lot nervous, and maybe even a little scared. I’m trying to prepare for the emotional rollercoaster that I'm sure this will take us on, but I’m not sure there is any way to fully prepare ourselves for this.
Do we transfer one? Or two?
Oh, man. As if we didn't have enough decisions to make already. The chance of multiples increases drastically if we transfer more than one embryo back. Of course, we would welcome twins. It really doesn't scare me. But admittedly, I would prefer to have my children one at a time. I did find an article that suggests women who only have one embryo transferred during IVF didn't have any less chance of getting pregnant, but they did have a lower risk of multiples. Right now, our game plan is to transfer one, assuming we have an embryo with the highest quality/grade. If we have lower grade embryos, then we might decide to transfer two. I guess nothing is set in stone at this point. This is a decision we can actually make the day of the transfer when we have all the information, so I'm trying not to dwell on it right now.
Who do we tell? When do we tell?
Infertility is such a hard topic. I get comments all the time about when we are going to have kids or what our plans are. Our friends have kids. I participate in conversations about babies and related things. Honestly, it doesn’t bother me that much. I really try to brush my bitterness about infertility to the side. I like babies and kids. I like holding them, and seeing pictures, and talking about them. I am genuinely happy for all of our friends and acquaintances who have/are expanding their families recently. I don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable by bringing up our issues (most people don’t know what to say in return because it catches them off-guard). But, I’m not close to anyone else who is going though what we are right now. So, I’m on some chat boards on the internet and I use this blog as an outlet. Sometimes I think it is easier talking with people you don't actually "know." I have told my mom that we are starting IVF, but I don’t want to share too many details with our family because I still want to be able to surprise them when we find out I am pregnant. It may be selfish, but I dream about ways to share our BFP news with our families – it gets me so excited! At some point though, I might need the added support and I have to accept that.
Well, if you read all of that, you deserve a cookie! I’m sure I’ll have more thoughts in the future. This is going to be an interesting 6 weeks ahead of us, but we are content with the journey we have chosen. Its sure to be a rollercoaster, but we are hoping for more ups than downs. Most of all, we are hoping for a baby.
Friday, October 7, 2011
Maybe I jinxed it
I was talking myself into pregnancy symptoms this time around. But then a negative pregnancy test yesterday was confirmed by a blood test today. Not pregnant.
Exhaustion: Guess I just stayed up too late a few too many night this week watching the Tigers games that started at 8:37 pm and lasted a ridiculous 4 plus hours most of the time
Heartburn: Probably that buffalo chicken wrap that was way spicier than I remember
Lack of breakout: Oh wait, that still happened, just a few days later than usual
I guess that's not that many symptoms after all. Maybe I jinxed the whole thing, not once but twice:
Last Saturday, I saw a killer deal on Baby Legs - they were offering 75% off a purchase of $75 or more, and shipping is free if you spend over $30. This is an awesome price on these oh-so-cute little legwarmers that are usually way overpriced at $10-$12 each, so at $2.50-$3, I figured I would stock up. Guess what showed up on our porch on Friday:
And then on Friday, after the pee test but before the news was confirmed by the doctor, I stopped at Target on my way home from work to see if I could get any good deals with the $3 off any Liz Lange maternity item coupons I had. Look what I found, all for less than $10:
So I know that I am ridiculous. I obviously didn't jinx this non-pregnancy. And I've spent $40 on pregnancy and baby related things this week (but in my defense, that stuff is worth over $210!!!). But I've still been crying all night.
I never in a million years thought I would be in this position. After we were dating for a while, Josh would tell me he wanted 12 kids - Cheaper by the Dozen is still his favorite kid movie. He was half-joking (I think), but once I told him, "We don't even know if we can have kids together." (Heck, maybe I jinxed the whole thing back then....) But I didn't mean it. Those words haunt me now. I never really thought we would have a problem. And here we are, trying to figure out what to do next.
This weekend, Josh and I have to talk about IVF. Are we ready? Is that the step we want to take? We have delayed this decision as long as possible, continuing to try Clomid even though our RE said the likelihood of success was low. There is the financial side to consider as well. [Ugh, I could write an entire rant about this alone - my friend gets a boob job covered by insurance and it could cost us thousands to conceive a baby. Viagra is covered by many insurance companies, but Clomid or hCG - not covered. Ugh!] It might sound ironic to ask for prayers as we make this decision, given the church's stance on ART and all, but we sure could use them.
Exhaustion: Guess I just stayed up too late a few too many night this week watching the Tigers games that started at 8:37 pm and lasted a ridiculous 4 plus hours most of the time
Heartburn: Probably that buffalo chicken wrap that was way spicier than I remember
Lack of breakout: Oh wait, that still happened, just a few days later than usual
I guess that's not that many symptoms after all. Maybe I jinxed the whole thing, not once but twice:
Last Saturday, I saw a killer deal on Baby Legs - they were offering 75% off a purchase of $75 or more, and shipping is free if you spend over $30. This is an awesome price on these oh-so-cute little legwarmers that are usually way overpriced at $10-$12 each, so at $2.50-$3, I figured I would stock up. Guess what showed up on our porch on Friday:
Aren't they so stinking cute?!?? If I don't get a baby soon I might have to try these on Lucy...
And then on Friday, after the pee test but before the news was confirmed by the doctor, I stopped at Target on my way home from work to see if I could get any good deals with the $3 off any Liz Lange maternity item coupons I had. Look what I found, all for less than $10:
Jeans(!) for $4.48, khaki shorts for $3.24, and purple racerback tank for $1.98,. Not bad!!!
So I know that I am ridiculous. I obviously didn't jinx this non-pregnancy. And I've spent $40 on pregnancy and baby related things this week (but in my defense, that stuff is worth over $210!!!). But I've still been crying all night.
I never in a million years thought I would be in this position. After we were dating for a while, Josh would tell me he wanted 12 kids - Cheaper by the Dozen is still his favorite kid movie. He was half-joking (I think), but once I told him, "We don't even know if we can have kids together." (Heck, maybe I jinxed the whole thing back then....) But I didn't mean it. Those words haunt me now. I never really thought we would have a problem. And here we are, trying to figure out what to do next.
This weekend, Josh and I have to talk about IVF. Are we ready? Is that the step we want to take? We have delayed this decision as long as possible, continuing to try Clomid even though our RE said the likelihood of success was low. There is the financial side to consider as well. [Ugh, I could write an entire rant about this alone - my friend gets a boob job covered by insurance and it could cost us thousands to conceive a baby. Viagra is covered by many insurance companies, but Clomid or hCG - not covered. Ugh!] It might sound ironic to ask for prayers as we make this decision, given the church's stance on ART and all, but we sure could use them.
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Its always something...
I had a lot going on today. It started out with a monitoring appointment at the REs office. Today is CD13, and I was shocked at the progress so far! I had a 14 mm follicle on the left, and a 20 mm on the right, with a few smaller non-dominate follicles on each side. In the previous cycles, I have been a much later ovulator so this was a surprise. My uterine lining was only 5.5 mm, which is a little low, but thinned lining is a known side effect of Clomid. The nurse called back this afternoon with the blood work - my LH is a little elevated, so doctor said to trigger tonight!
Josh gave me the hCG shot tonight after dinner, and it was much less of an ordeal than last time. I am so confident that this cycle will work for us. It has to, because the timing really couldn't be worse: Our estimated due date would be around June 15th, and I am supposed to stand up in my best friends wedding on June 9th. But I would happily take on this challenge if it means having a baby in 9 months :)
**I do want to point out that I have talked to my best friend on many occasions, and she is fully supportive of the fact that Josh and I do not want to take breaks in this process, and that we will deal with the wedding conflict if and when it is an issue. She really is my best friend for a reason.
On top of all that, I got in a fabulous 10.5 mile run tonight - I averaged 9:08 pace, but ran the last 5.5 miles all under 9:00/mile. I felt great..... except for the HUGE blister on the inside of my right big toe. I got the blister on my long run on Saturday, and my runs yesterday and today have aggravated it more. I want to drain it, but Josh keeps telling me not to. To pop it, or not to pop it, that is the question. Its always something....
Josh gave me the hCG shot tonight after dinner, and it was much less of an ordeal than last time. I am so confident that this cycle will work for us. It has to, because the timing really couldn't be worse: Our estimated due date would be around June 15th, and I am supposed to stand up in my best friends wedding on June 9th. But I would happily take on this challenge if it means having a baby in 9 months :)
**I do want to point out that I have talked to my best friend on many occasions, and she is fully supportive of the fact that Josh and I do not want to take breaks in this process, and that we will deal with the wedding conflict if and when it is an issue. She really is my best friend for a reason.
On top of all that, I got in a fabulous 10.5 mile run tonight - I averaged 9:08 pace, but ran the last 5.5 miles all under 9:00/mile. I felt great..... except for the HUGE blister on the inside of my right big toe. I got the blister on my long run on Saturday, and my runs yesterday and today have aggravated it more. I want to drain it, but Josh keeps telling me not to. To pop it, or not to pop it, that is the question. Its always something....
Monday, September 12, 2011
Cycle 11 and the game plan
We had an appointment with our RE this morning to discuss the treatment for this cycle. The game plan: one more round of 150 mg Clomid, with hCG trigger, and timed intercourse.
It will be our last cycle of ovulation inducing meds. It is recommended (I wish I knew the formal name of the body that recommends this) that women only take meds like clomiphene for 6 cycles in their lifetime, due to an increased risk of ovarian cancer when used more than that. We could sign a waiver, but Josh and I agree that is not a risk we are willing to take. We will pursue other options if it comes to that, including injectables and IVF.
In the meantime we are just keeping our fingers crossed!
It will be our last cycle of ovulation inducing meds. It is recommended (I wish I knew the formal name of the body that recommends this) that women only take meds like clomiphene for 6 cycles in their lifetime, due to an increased risk of ovarian cancer when used more than that. We could sign a waiver, but Josh and I agree that is not a risk we are willing to take. We will pursue other options if it comes to that, including injectables and IVF.
In the meantime we are just keeping our fingers crossed!
Friday, September 9, 2011
Three strikes, and you are definitely out.
This morning: negative home pregnancy test. Strike one.
This morning right before work: blood draw for beta testing. Negative. Strike two.
This afternoon at work: started my period. Definitive strike three.
You're out.
So yeah, definitely out this cycle, headed on to Cycle 11. I need to talk to my RE, since I think we are all on the same page that Clomid isn't working that well for me and we want to try a different protocol next cycle. I also want to ask him about Metformin and if that is a consideration for me or not.
On a side note, I really LOVE the nurses at my RE's office. They called in an order to Bay Med for my blood draw, since it's right around the corner from my house so I wouldn't have to drive to Saginaw today. They called it in "stat" - meaning that I would most definitely have the results today, and that I got bumped to the front of the waiting line. I am certain this was not a necessary "stat," but it sure was convenient for me!
I am really sad about this cycle, because I really felt like we had been getting somewhere with the timing and knowing for sure that I have ovulated when we think I did. I also just so desperately want a baby... I think about it every single day. Talk about workplace distractions, I can't tell you how many times I catch my mind wandering throughout the day. But the weird thing is, I just don't have a lot of tears this time around and I don't know why. I'm usually a crier about everything... but this time, I'm just not. I don't know if I am getting "used to" the disappointment or what, but my response is less end-of-the-world than it used to be. At least it is for now, just wait until I see another announcement or a little baby.
I suppose there is a Bright Side here. I do have some fun things planned that will be a great distraction the next few days, and they should be even more fun since I can drink. Tonight, Josh and I are going to an annual beer and wine tasting event put on by my work. Its usually a good time, and we get to try 6 beers and 6 wines that are different every year. Then tomorrow, I'm headed up north to Traverse City for a Bachelorette party. We are going to start with a wine tour, and now I'm especially looking forward to this wino weekend since I've been abstaining for a few weeks now. Sometimes you just need a drink, or four!
This morning right before work: blood draw for beta testing. Negative. Strike two.
This afternoon at work: started my period. Definitive strike three.
You're out.
So yeah, definitely out this cycle, headed on to Cycle 11. I need to talk to my RE, since I think we are all on the same page that Clomid isn't working that well for me and we want to try a different protocol next cycle. I also want to ask him about Metformin and if that is a consideration for me or not.
On a side note, I really LOVE the nurses at my RE's office. They called in an order to Bay Med for my blood draw, since it's right around the corner from my house so I wouldn't have to drive to Saginaw today. They called it in "stat" - meaning that I would most definitely have the results today, and that I got bumped to the front of the waiting line. I am certain this was not a necessary "stat," but it sure was convenient for me!
I am really sad about this cycle, because I really felt like we had been getting somewhere with the timing and knowing for sure that I have ovulated when we think I did. I also just so desperately want a baby... I think about it every single day. Talk about workplace distractions, I can't tell you how many times I catch my mind wandering throughout the day. But the weird thing is, I just don't have a lot of tears this time around and I don't know why. I'm usually a crier about everything... but this time, I'm just not. I don't know if I am getting "used to" the disappointment or what, but my response is less end-of-the-world than it used to be. At least it is for now, just wait until I see another announcement or a little baby.
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Bury it
I had yet another monitoring appointment this morning - bloodwork and ultrasound. I'll get right to the details: 1 30mm follie, 6.8 mm lining, and an E2 (estradiol) level of 602. No ovulation detected.
So my doctor decided we need to get this show on the road! And Josh couldn't by happier :) My nurse called in a prescription for an HCG trigger shot this afternoon, which should make me ovulate in the next 36-42 hours.
I mildly freaked out when I found out that we would have to administer said shot at home this evening. Yes, I had to have my husband give me a shot in my butt. Oh, the joys of infertility. Nothing says "lets make a baby" like "bend over so I can stick a needle in your ass." But at the end of the day, I'm laughing. We somehow made a 60-second shot into an hour-long ordeal.
There were Youtube videos (of the mixing - since the HCG comes in powder form - and of the injecting), the directions from the doctor, the directions from the pharmacy, more directions from the Internet, and Josh text-messaging his doctor friends.... trust me, we did our research. My favorite line of the night: Josh asking his friend how far to stick the needle in before injecting the medicine; the reply: "bury it." Thanks Mike, we needed the laugh.
Needless to say, all of this drama, and it was over in a matter of seconds. I honestly hardly felt a thing. Josh had the needle out before I even knew he did the injection. Easy peasy. Should we need to do this again, we are practically pros! In the meantime, we have three days to make the magic happen, then more waiting. Fingers crossed for good news in a few weeks!
So my doctor decided we need to get this show on the road! And Josh couldn't by happier :) My nurse called in a prescription for an HCG trigger shot this afternoon, which should make me ovulate in the next 36-42 hours.
I mildly freaked out when I found out that we would have to administer said shot at home this evening. Yes, I had to have my husband give me a shot in my butt. Oh, the joys of infertility. Nothing says "lets make a baby" like "bend over so I can stick a needle in your ass." But at the end of the day, I'm laughing. We somehow made a 60-second shot into an hour-long ordeal.
Our bathroom is also our laundry room, so the washer made the perfect laboratory.
There were Youtube videos (of the mixing - since the HCG comes in powder form - and of the injecting), the directions from the doctor, the directions from the pharmacy, more directions from the Internet, and Josh text-messaging his doctor friends.... trust me, we did our research. My favorite line of the night: Josh asking his friend how far to stick the needle in before injecting the medicine; the reply: "bury it." Thanks Mike, we needed the laugh.
Needless to say, all of this drama, and it was over in a matter of seconds. I honestly hardly felt a thing. Josh had the needle out before I even knew he did the injection. Easy peasy. Should we need to do this again, we are practically pros! In the meantime, we have three days to make the magic happen, then more waiting. Fingers crossed for good news in a few weeks!
Monday, August 15, 2011
When Bigger is Not Better
Boring post to follow.....
I had a "follie check" today - which is basically a quick vaginal ultrasound of my ovaries to measure the maturation of my follicles this cycle. Today marks CD11, and I have 1 16mm follicle, and 4 others that are about 13 mm. At this point, any of the smaller ones could either catch up to the big one and I might have multiple dominant follicles release an egg, or they could back off since another follicle appears to be "dominant." The nurse said they like to see them 18-24mm for ovulation. I also had some bloodwork done - E2 (estradiol), LH (luteinizing hormone), and P4 (progesterone). My LH was a 7.8 - normal levels are 7 or below, but typically you will see a "surge" 24-36 hours before ovulation when levels can get closer to 20 (I'm too lazy to look up what the units should be on these numbers, sorry). So anyways, I'm making good progress this cycle, and will go back in for another ultrasound and bloodwork on Wednesday.
On my first visit (2 cycles ago), I had 3 very large follicles - over 30mm - and my RE said ovulation was imminent. I did some reading today, and it turns out bigger may not be better? Someone said that anything over 26mm isn't likely to release an egg. I plan to ask about this, and if we should consider using a trigger to induce ovulation before the follicles get too big. And here I thought I had super-ovaries...... (no links here, because I would not consider the sources of this info even remotely reliable, thanks Google. But it does make me want more info, so I will at least ask my doc about it and continue looking for other studies about this that I won't feel uneasy about referencing.)
I had a "follie check" today - which is basically a quick vaginal ultrasound of my ovaries to measure the maturation of my follicles this cycle. Today marks CD11, and I have 1 16mm follicle, and 4 others that are about 13 mm. At this point, any of the smaller ones could either catch up to the big one and I might have multiple dominant follicles release an egg, or they could back off since another follicle appears to be "dominant." The nurse said they like to see them 18-24mm for ovulation. I also had some bloodwork done - E2 (estradiol), LH (luteinizing hormone), and P4 (progesterone). My LH was a 7.8 - normal levels are 7 or below, but typically you will see a "surge" 24-36 hours before ovulation when levels can get closer to 20 (I'm too lazy to look up what the units should be on these numbers, sorry). So anyways, I'm making good progress this cycle, and will go back in for another ultrasound and bloodwork on Wednesday.
On my first visit (2 cycles ago), I had 3 very large follicles - over 30mm - and my RE said ovulation was imminent. I did some reading today, and it turns out bigger may not be better? Someone said that anything over 26mm isn't likely to release an egg. I plan to ask about this, and if we should consider using a trigger to induce ovulation before the follicles get too big. And here I thought I had super-ovaries...... (no links here, because I would not consider the sources of this info even remotely reliable, thanks Google. But it does make me want more info, so I will at least ask my doc about it and continue looking for other studies about this that I won't feel uneasy about referencing.)
Monday, July 25, 2011
Bleeding Blue
Literally (well, almost). This post has nothing to do with my alma mater, the University of Michigan, or my ESPN screen name BleedingBlue05. I had a HSG today.
Yes, you needed to see this. Please ignore the goofy look on my face, I'm about to laugh at how ridiculous we are sometimes.
HSG = hysterosalpingogram, or basically an x-ray of my uterus and fallopian tubes. My RE injected a blue dye into my uterus and fallopian tubes via a catheter with a small balloon on the end. Then the radiologist took an x-ray of my abdomen – we were able to see the images immediately, and my RE declared everything looks great! We could see the dye fill my uterus and fallopian tubes and "leak" out each ovary. Yea ! The first fertility exam we’ve passed! My uterus is of normal size and shape and both tubes are open and unobstructed. And since what goes is must come out…. I’ll be “bleeding” blue for the next day or two.
Josh got to stay with me for the entire procedure. It was nice to have him there. Doesn’t he look stunning in his lead apron?
Ok, so maybe we are a little wierd for taking pics in the xray room. But it was all I could do to get Josh to drop Angry Birds....
The procedure wasn’t overly painful, but there were moments of extreme discomfort. I was actually shocked at how quick it was – I had an 11:00 am appointment, but was asked to be there a half hour early. We waited about 10 minutes before being called back, and the nurse had me all prepped and waiting on the table by about 10:50. The doctor showed up just before 11:00, and we were walking back to the car at 11:15. I’ve had some cramping on and off all afternoon (I didn’t go back to work), but it can’t be that bad since I managed to get in a 7-mile pace run this evening (7.03 mi, 1:01:30, 8:45 pace). I don’t feel quite so bad about laying around on the couch all afternoon watching junk TV – like 13 Going on 30, which is only bearable because I like Jennifer Garner.
Anyways, first successful fertility test. We will proceed with another round of Clomid as soon as this cycle ends. On a positive note, I have read that birth control pills should shrink any cysts on my ovaries and yield more even-growing follicles next cycle. Still trying to find the positives each step of the way…..
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