Got my sweat on

Exactly 1 month after my last workout, I got back to the gym.  At my blood draw on Wednesday, I got permission to resume exercise (and sex for that matter).  The nurse would like me to start back slow and easy, and "low impact" (talking about exercise here, not sex :p ).  I told her how much I enjoy running and we made a deal:  I won't do any Insanity videos if I can at least go for an easy jog.  My ovaries are likely still large because of the good response last cycle, so torsion is a risk.  I just need to stop if I feel any pain or discomfort.

So I started on the elliptical for 35 minutes, doing some fairly easy intervals.  Then I rode the stationary bike for 15 minutes, and followed that up with an easy mile on the treadmill.  Oh man - my ass hurts.  The spots where I was getting my PIO shots were sore!  They definitely hurt less as the run went on though.  It felt great to run again, but I cried for half of it.

I have definitely hit the anger and bitter stage.  I am pissed.  I just want a baby!  Josh wants a baby and I can't give it to him.  This whole thing isn't fair.  Its stressful, worrisome, time consuming, expensive....  Infertility is a bitch I wouldn't wish on anyone.

Christmas is this weekend, and I am looking forward to a long weekend off from work (very busy lately) and time with family.  I love exchanging gifts, eating wonderful food, and sitting by the Christmas tree.  I will do my best to focus on these things for the next couple days.  I'm not really excited about hearing the story of Mary's immaculate conception, but 'tis the reason for the season so I'll get through it. 

Side note:  my beta Wednesday was <1.0, so officially negative.  I should start bleeding any day now, once my progesterone and estrogen levels drop.

Chemical Pregnancy

Its over.  My beta today was 2.6.

I'm sad.  I'm also angry, frustrated, confused, heartbroken, and I don't know what else.  We transferred a perfect blastocyst into my uterus with perfect lining.  Everything was textbook.  What went wrong?  Obviously that little blast tried to implant - I got enough of an hCG rise to detect on a digital test.  Did I not rest enough after transfer?  Did I bend or twist or lift something a little too heavy?  Was the shower too hot? Did I not get enough protein or other nutrients?    Geez.... I know all of this is silly, but I can't help but wonder what the heck went wrong.  A little Dr. Google informed us that implantation failure is actually the least understood issue with the IVF process.  We will probably never get an answer.  Success rates aren't 100%, and even though we couldn't have asked for a better cycle, sometimes these things just happen.

I can't describe what it feels like to lose something you never really had.  I wonder if it would hurt any less had I not insisted on testing at home.  Had we waited for the blood test, we might not have been as shocked by the beta numbers.  But then again.... I had 100 times more hope for this cycle than any of the others.  So yeah, it probably would have hurt just as much.  BFNs suck, and IVF BFNs suck ten times as hard.  I hate this.  I got my ugly cry on and opened a bottle of my favorite wine from 45 North.  The holidays are going to suck, but at least I can drink through them.

The silver lining in all of this is that we also got 10 snowbabies out of this cycle.  We should be able to do a frozen embryo transfer (FET) early next year.

I'm not entirely sure whats next.  We've stopped all meds.  I go in for another blood draw Wed to see if my level is back to zero.  I should start my period soon, and I think I can start BCPs and then Lupron for our FET.  Hopefully I can run again for a little bit.  We have an appointment with the RE on January 3rd to figure out what went wrong and come up with a plan.

So watch out 2012, this is going to be our year.  I just can't wait any longer.

Santa Claws

We took Lucy to see Santa Claws today (at Petsmart).

She has been a pretty good girl this year, and has been especially good these past few months since she hurt her leg.  She asked Santa for a new bone and some playtime with her friends at the dog park.  I'm pretty sure Santa can handle the bone, and we are already working on fixing up that knee and getting her back to the park.  Merry Christmas Puppy!

Inconclusive

I went in for my beta (blood pregnancy test) this morning.  I was in a meeting all afternoon, so it was kind of late by the time I could check my phone.  My nurse had left a voicemail to call her back (I already knew they wouldn't leave the results on a VM).  So I called back.  She said, "26."

My hCG level was 26.  This isn't good.  Today I am 17dpo (17 days past egg retrieval/ovulation), and 12dp5dt (12 days past 5 day transfer).  My level should have been a few hundred.  The nurse said that while this is quite a bit lower that what they would have expected, it doesn't give a definitive result.  The test was "inconclusive."

I hate that word.  Josh keeps trying to remind me that it isn't necessarily bad.  But hearing anything other than "You're pregnant!" on the phone today would have been a disappointment.

Maybe I have a "late implanter," or maybe my betas are just slow to rise.  I keep trying to think about all of those possibilities.  I go in Monday for another beta, hoping to see the number more than double.

This sucks.  This sucks so bad.  Two days ago we were completely overjoyed.  We have plans on how to tell our immediate families at Christmas.  My life is running in slow motion.  Sometimes I think Monday can't come fast enough because I need to hear that this baby is sticking around.... and then I'm afraid of what we might hear and I don't want Monday to come at all because right now I am pregnant and I don't want it to end.

I guess we are going to spend the weekend trying to distract ourselves with other Christmas activities and trying to not stress out.  Oh, and praying.  A lot.

Arms Wide Open

I got this email from Josh today and of course I got all teary eyed.  But it really does sum things up perfectly.

I can't think of a better way to explain what I'm feeling about the journey we're about to embark on than how it was put in a song by the band I loved (and was made fun of about) in college.

"With Arms Wide Open"

Creed

Well I just heard the news today
It seems my life is going to change
I close my eyes, begin to pray
Then tears of joy stream down my face

With arms wide open
Under the sunlight
Welcome to this place
I'll show you everything
With arms wide open
With arms wide open

Well I don't know if I'm ready
To be the man I have to be
I'll take a breath, I'll take her by my side
We stand in awe, we've created life

With arms wide open
Under the sunlight
Welcome to this place
I'll show you everything
With arms wide open
Now everything has changed
I'll show you love
I'll show you everything

With arms wide open
With arms wide open
I'll show you everything ...oh yeah
With arms wide open..wide open

[Guitar Break]

If I had just one wish
Only one demand
I hope he's not like me
I hope he understands
That he can take this life
And hold it by the hand
And he can greet the world
With arms wide open...

With arms wide open
Under the sunlight
Welcome to this place
I'll show you everything
With arms wide open
Now everything has changed
I'll show you love
I'll show you everything
With arms wide open
With arms wide open

I'll show you everything..oh yeah
With arms wide open....wide open 

Josh, I can't wait to see how amazing of a dad you are going to be.  I'll gladly take this journey by your side.  I love you!

The best Christmas present ever!

*I wrote this post the night we took this pregnancy test.  We would later find out this was a chemical pregnancy.  I guess I decided to keep the post anyway, since it is part of our journey and just further depicts the rollercoaster we are on.

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Knocked up.  Bun in the oven.  With child.  In the family way.  Expecting.  Preggers.  Whatever you call it,

I'M PREGNANT!!!!!

Well, according to EPT anyway :)  I convinced Josh we needed to test.  I couldn't wait any longer.  So I  pulled out a digital when I got home from work.  Josh and I stood in front of the Christmas tree while the hourglass was turning, and turning, and turning.... and finally, after what seemed like forever, that magical word appeared.  For the first time in my life, I saw the word

Pregnant

Holy sh*t.  We hugged and cried while Lucy tried to figure out what was wrong.  Then we laughed, smiled, and cried some more.  After 20 months and 13 cycles, so many blank pregnancy tests, miles and miles driven to doctors appointments, countless shots and blood draws and ultrasounds.... we did it.  We made a baby!

 BEST CHRISTMAS PRESENT. EVER.

This wait is killing me.

Ugh!  The "2 week wait" is pure torture!  I mean, I've always been a little impatient during the 2ww, but everything is amplified 1,000 times during an IVF cycle.  I go in for my beta on Friday.  Which is really only 4 more days.  Josh doesn't want to test at home before then - he "trusts" the blood test and wants to wait.  Me?  I was ready to start peeing on sticks yesterday.  I have quite the little stash of tests - early response, digital, dollar store cheapies.....  I guess I just need to practice some serious self-control until Friday.

I did go in for a quick blood draw this morning.  My progesterone has gone up from 18 last Friday to 60 today!  And my estrogen is over 1,000.  Great numbers, so we just keep on course til beta-day-Friday.

Cookie anyone?

I started my holiday baking this past weekend.  I have gone a little crazy in the past, and I am well on my way this year.

It started on Friday, when I baked a batch of sugar cutout cookies and gingerbread cutout cookies.  Then I got my parents to come up on Saturday to help :)

Trust me, even he guys helped!  This is before we put them to work.

 Puppy?  Not so much help.  But she was a great foot warmer while I was decorating.
I would have taken more pics, but out battery died. Someone left the camera on after this one.... (oops.)

We baked a few more batches of cookies on Saturday morning, even a couple for my mom, and then spent the afternoon decorating.  I relinquished some control this year and even let my mom and dad help with the royal icing ;)  But getting all those cookies decorated in one day?  Totally worth it.  Josh estimates I knocked out a few hundred cookies this weekend, and I am probably 60% done. 

 There are still a few more recipes on the list :)

I'll take some more pictures of the mass piles of sugar in a few days to make you all jealous of my neighbors and co-workers ;)

Snowbabies!

We have snowbabies!  No, I'm not talking about some pretty figure in the snow or a collectible figurine.  I am talking about perfect, beautiful frozen embryos.

source

We are still waiting for the full report (I will pick it up on Monday) regarding quality and specifics, but we found out today that we have TEN embies in the cryo tank waiting for us when needed.  Josh and I are hopeful that this is enough to complete our family, but who knows how things will work out.  Only the very best blasts are frozen, and it is even possible that they waited until day 6 to freeze them, we will find out in the report.  So while we did lose a few of the 19 fertilized eggs we had along the way, we know that the ones that made it are thriving.

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Also, I went in for blood work this morning and found out that while my estrogen level was fine, my progesterone was a tad on the low side (18.5, then like to see it >20).  So I need to double my PIO shots.  PIO sucks.  It stands for Progesterone In Oil, and I take it as an intramuscular shot in my ass each morning.  (Josh is literally injecting peanut oil laced with progesterone into my butt.)  The oil is supposed to be more effective than suppositories (and less messy), but the issue is that the oil sits on your muscle.  It hurts like a bruise, and is just generally annoying.  Massaging the area and applying heat help some.  I was finally OK with the PIO, then today my RE doubled my dose from 1cc to 2cc/day.  Oh well, I'll get over it and Josh will just have to rub my ass a little more.

Are you allowed to laugh during IVF?

Because we try to every chance we get.  Remember how I said we had to wait a while yesterday?  Josh did some bouffant cap modeling:

First, we have the beret (or the comb-over, we couldn't decide):

Next up, is the duck bill:

And of course, the ever-popular mullet:

And last but not least, the afro:

Yes, we know we are dorks.  Josh can't believe I am posting this.  What, did he think I was taking pictures just for us?  Heck no!

Today, I am carrying our baby

Pregnant until proven otherwise, or PUPO as it is known on some message boards I visit.

Today we transferred a single, perfect blastocyst into my perfectly homey uterus to snuggle in for the next nine-ish months.  This blast was graded AA - "textbook perfect" my RE called it.  Josh and I are over-the-moon thrilled!

We even got to take home a few pics:  not many people can say they have a picture of themselves at 5 days post-conception:

This is a picture (I am not sure of the magnification) of the AA-grade blast we transferred

Overall, the transfer went very well today.  I had to have a full bladder, but I managed to drink just enough for the doctor but not too much to make me uncomfortable.  I had to have some blood drawn, and then we just waited around to be called back.

Josh had to gown up this time as well, since he did get to come back and hold my hand for the entire procedure.

I was pretty anxious.  I tried to wear fun socks for all my appointments; the nurses usually comment on how much they enjoy seeing all of the colorful and patterned socks people wear. You know, since that is ALL we are allowed to wear.

Our RE was very supportive of our decision to only transfer one.  It was perfect, and we have more very high quality blasts to freeze for future transfers.  Here is the blast is in my uterus after the transfer - yeah, that little white line right there:

Yes!! Baby inside!

After 30 minutes on my back after the procedure, I was sent home on modified bed rest for the next two days - I am to stay off my feet as much as possible.  Josh was told to take very good care of me, and he has certainly met that challenge!  In addition to taking care of Lucy today, Josh got me lunch, made dinner, baked cookies, and then cleaned up the kitchen.  All while I sat of the couch watching On-Demand movies with my feet up.  This has never happened before!!!  I love you, babe!

How many people does it take to make a baby?  In our case, a handful of nurses, the RE, and an embryologist.  Oh yeah, and me and Josh :)  When we decided we were ready to have a baby, we certainly never expected any of this. We are thrilled to have everything go so smoothly so far, as we know that many couples facing IVF incur many additional challenges along the way.  I cannot explain the feeling to know that our baby is possibly {hopefully} growing inside me at this very minute.  But I am still trying to be cautious with my optimism.  We are numbers people.  IVF success rates are not 100%.  We are looking at potential success somewhere around 60%, and that would be a little higher had we transferred two.  At this point, all I can do is take in easy and wait (while our blast implants and grows).  With fingers crossed and lots of prayers.

Everyone loves a fort & I beat Josh at College Football Pick 'Em!!

Well, except for Lucy.  She didn't so much appreciate the fort that Josh and I built for her this afternoon :(

She chose to lay half-under the table all on her own.  Yes, with her butt on the bed and head on the floor.  

She is weird like that sometimes.

But, its understandable if she is a little irritable lately.  She seems to be doing quite well; she is getting around more than she should and she is anxious to play every little chance she gets.  We have to try and keep her from using her leg too much yet - 2 weeks of as much rest as possible is what the doctor ordered.

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It's the last week of ESPN's College Pick 'Em.  Entering the week I am in third place, one point out of second and 11 out of first.  Josh is on my heels in 4th.  I wanted to make some risky picks this week to give myself a chance of taking over the top spot in case any upsets do happen, but I didn't want to risk falling behind Josh.  I stuck my upset picks as my bottom 3 selections, so we will see what happens.  Lets just say I am a huge Southern Miss fan today.  And I will also be rooting for any team that can help Michigan secure a BCS bid (which actually includes Southern Miss but not Oklahoma).

10 pts: LSU over Georgia

9 pts: Wisconsin over Michigan St

8 pts: Cincinnati over Connecticut

7 pts: Wyoming over Colorado St

6 pts: BYU over Hawaii

5 pts: Virginia Tech over Clemson

4 pts: Pittsburgh over Syracuse

3 pts: Texas over Baylor

2 pts: Oklahoma over Oklahoma St

1 pt: Southern Miss over Houston

Update:  45 points, good enough for 2nd place on the season. (6 points out of first.  Southern Miss made me look pretty brilliant for a while.)  I finished in the top 1% of everyone who signed up to play Pick 'Em on  ESPN, not too shabby for a girl!  And the best part......I beat Josh, who finished 3rd, a solid 8 points behind me.  House bragging rights for a year baby!

Transfer time, and one final question

My nurse called this afternoon, and our transfer is set for 9:45am on Sunday.  Eek! It is so weird to think that in two days, I will be pregnant, and that I know this piece of information.

I have been thinking about our embryos every day.  I pray they are growing strong.  I hope that all of the cells continue to multiply each day and that they are high enough quality to freeze.

And at home, the debate rages on:  1 or 2?  How many should we transfer?  Josh and I have discussed this from the day we decided to pursue IVF.  We started out saying that if we had one of the highest possible quality blastocysts and were doing a day 5 transfer, we would transfer one beautiful blast.  We are pretty sure our RE is going to recommend transferring two - he has a pretty aggressive approach to this process and he is a statistics guy.  I think (though I can't confirm either way) that the numbers show a slightly higher success rate when transferring more than one blast.  And put it this way, would we rather be pregnant with two babies or zero?  Well, that answer is easy (two).  But, we would still prefer a singleton pregnancy.  We will have more children in the future, so its not that we don't want more than one.  Josh and I are both on the same page on this one, just neither of us are sure what our final decision will be.  This is going to be a game time decision - we need to see exactly what quality blasts we are working with and talk to the doctor.  Then, we will just have to follow our hearts.