Got my sweat on

Exactly 1 month after my last workout, I got back to the gym.  At my blood draw on Wednesday, I got permission to resume exercise (and sex for that matter).  The nurse would like me to start back slow and easy, and "low impact" (talking about exercise here, not sex :p ).  I told her how much I enjoy running and we made a deal:  I won't do any Insanity videos if I can at least go for an easy jog.  My ovaries are likely still large because of the good response last cycle, so torsion is a risk.  I just need to stop if I feel any pain or discomfort.

So I started on the elliptical for 35 minutes, doing some fairly easy intervals.  Then I rode the stationary bike for 15 minutes, and followed that up with an easy mile on the treadmill.  Oh man - my ass hurts.  The spots where I was getting my PIO shots were sore!  They definitely hurt less as the run went on though.  It felt great to run again, but I cried for half of it.

I have definitely hit the anger and bitter stage.  I am pissed.  I just want a baby!  Josh wants a baby and I can't give it to him.  This whole thing isn't fair.  Its stressful, worrisome, time consuming, expensive....  Infertility is a bitch I wouldn't wish on anyone.

Christmas is this weekend, and I am looking forward to a long weekend off from work (very busy lately) and time with family.  I love exchanging gifts, eating wonderful food, and sitting by the Christmas tree.  I will do my best to focus on these things for the next couple days.  I'm not really excited about hearing the story of Mary's immaculate conception, but 'tis the reason for the season so I'll get through it. 

Side note:  my beta Wednesday was <1.0, so officially negative.  I should start bleeding any day now, once my progesterone and estrogen levels drop.

Chemical Pregnancy

Its over.  My beta today was 2.6.

I'm sad.  I'm also angry, frustrated, confused, heartbroken, and I don't know what else.  We transferred a perfect blastocyst into my uterus with perfect lining.  Everything was textbook.  What went wrong?  Obviously that little blast tried to implant - I got enough of an hCG rise to detect on a digital test.  Did I not rest enough after transfer?  Did I bend or twist or lift something a little too heavy?  Was the shower too hot? Did I not get enough protein or other nutrients?    Geez.... I know all of this is silly, but I can't help but wonder what the heck went wrong.  A little Dr. Google informed us that implantation failure is actually the least understood issue with the IVF process.  We will probably never get an answer.  Success rates aren't 100%, and even though we couldn't have asked for a better cycle, sometimes these things just happen.

I can't describe what it feels like to lose something you never really had.  I wonder if it would hurt any less had I not insisted on testing at home.  Had we waited for the blood test, we might not have been as shocked by the beta numbers.  But then again.... I had 100 times more hope for this cycle than any of the others.  So yeah, it probably would have hurt just as much.  BFNs suck, and IVF BFNs suck ten times as hard.  I hate this.  I got my ugly cry on and opened a bottle of my favorite wine from 45 North.  The holidays are going to suck, but at least I can drink through them.

The silver lining in all of this is that we also got 10 snowbabies out of this cycle.  We should be able to do a frozen embryo transfer (FET) early next year.

I'm not entirely sure whats next.  We've stopped all meds.  I go in for another blood draw Wed to see if my level is back to zero.  I should start my period soon, and I think I can start BCPs and then Lupron for our FET.  Hopefully I can run again for a little bit.  We have an appointment with the RE on January 3rd to figure out what went wrong and come up with a plan.

So watch out 2012, this is going to be our year.  I just can't wait any longer.

Santa Claws

We took Lucy to see Santa Claws today (at Petsmart).

She has been a pretty good girl this year, and has been especially good these past few months since she hurt her leg.  She asked Santa for a new bone and some playtime with her friends at the dog park.  I'm pretty sure Santa can handle the bone, and we are already working on fixing up that knee and getting her back to the park.  Merry Christmas Puppy!

Inconclusive

I went in for my beta (blood pregnancy test) this morning.  I was in a meeting all afternoon, so it was kind of late by the time I could check my phone.  My nurse had left a voicemail to call her back (I already knew they wouldn't leave the results on a VM).  So I called back.  She said, "26."

My hCG level was 26.  This isn't good.  Today I am 17dpo (17 days past egg retrieval/ovulation), and 12dp5dt (12 days past 5 day transfer).  My level should have been a few hundred.  The nurse said that while this is quite a bit lower that what they would have expected, it doesn't give a definitive result.  The test was "inconclusive."

I hate that word.  Josh keeps trying to remind me that it isn't necessarily bad.  But hearing anything other than "You're pregnant!" on the phone today would have been a disappointment.

Maybe I have a "late implanter," or maybe my betas are just slow to rise.  I keep trying to think about all of those possibilities.  I go in Monday for another beta, hoping to see the number more than double.

This sucks.  This sucks so bad.  Two days ago we were completely overjoyed.  We have plans on how to tell our immediate families at Christmas.  My life is running in slow motion.  Sometimes I think Monday can't come fast enough because I need to hear that this baby is sticking around.... and then I'm afraid of what we might hear and I don't want Monday to come at all because right now I am pregnant and I don't want it to end.

I guess we are going to spend the weekend trying to distract ourselves with other Christmas activities and trying to not stress out.  Oh, and praying.  A lot.

Arms Wide Open

I got this email from Josh today and of course I got all teary eyed.  But it really does sum things up perfectly.

I can't think of a better way to explain what I'm feeling about the journey we're about to embark on than how it was put in a song by the band I loved (and was made fun of about) in college.

"With Arms Wide Open"

Creed

Well I just heard the news today
It seems my life is going to change
I close my eyes, begin to pray
Then tears of joy stream down my face

With arms wide open
Under the sunlight
Welcome to this place
I'll show you everything
With arms wide open
With arms wide open

Well I don't know if I'm ready
To be the man I have to be
I'll take a breath, I'll take her by my side
We stand in awe, we've created life

With arms wide open
Under the sunlight
Welcome to this place
I'll show you everything
With arms wide open
Now everything has changed
I'll show you love
I'll show you everything

With arms wide open
With arms wide open
I'll show you everything ...oh yeah
With arms wide open..wide open

[Guitar Break]

If I had just one wish
Only one demand
I hope he's not like me
I hope he understands
That he can take this life
And hold it by the hand
And he can greet the world
With arms wide open...

With arms wide open
Under the sunlight
Welcome to this place
I'll show you everything
With arms wide open
Now everything has changed
I'll show you love
I'll show you everything
With arms wide open
With arms wide open

I'll show you everything..oh yeah
With arms wide open....wide open 

Josh, I can't wait to see how amazing of a dad you are going to be.  I'll gladly take this journey by your side.  I love you!

The best Christmas present ever!

*I wrote this post the night we took this pregnancy test.  We would later find out this was a chemical pregnancy.  I guess I decided to keep the post anyway, since it is part of our journey and just further depicts the rollercoaster we are on.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Knocked up.  Bun in the oven.  With child.  In the family way.  Expecting.  Preggers.  Whatever you call it,

I'M PREGNANT!!!!!

Well, according to EPT anyway :)  I convinced Josh we needed to test.  I couldn't wait any longer.  So I  pulled out a digital when I got home from work.  Josh and I stood in front of the Christmas tree while the hourglass was turning, and turning, and turning.... and finally, after what seemed like forever, that magical word appeared.  For the first time in my life, I saw the word

Pregnant

Holy sh*t.  We hugged and cried while Lucy tried to figure out what was wrong.  Then we laughed, smiled, and cried some more.  After 20 months and 13 cycles, so many blank pregnancy tests, miles and miles driven to doctors appointments, countless shots and blood draws and ultrasounds.... we did it.  We made a baby!

 BEST CHRISTMAS PRESENT. EVER.

This wait is killing me.

Ugh!  The "2 week wait" is pure torture!  I mean, I've always been a little impatient during the 2ww, but everything is amplified 1,000 times during an IVF cycle.  I go in for my beta on Friday.  Which is really only 4 more days.  Josh doesn't want to test at home before then - he "trusts" the blood test and wants to wait.  Me?  I was ready to start peeing on sticks yesterday.  I have quite the little stash of tests - early response, digital, dollar store cheapies.....  I guess I just need to practice some serious self-control until Friday.

I did go in for a quick blood draw this morning.  My progesterone has gone up from 18 last Friday to 60 today!  And my estrogen is over 1,000.  Great numbers, so we just keep on course til beta-day-Friday.